Wednesday November 17, 2010

INCIDENT IN PREDOMINANTLY CHINESE NEIGHBORHOOD SPARKS DEBATE ABOUT DANGEROUS SUGGESTIONS FOUND IN CLASSIC FUNK SONG

Washington, D.C.- Police in riot gear were called in Wednesday afternoon to the Chinatown district of the nation's capital due to reports of excessive violence and disturbing the peace. A group of 15 students coming out of the Invincible Dragon Karate and Mixed Martial Arts Studio, owned and operated by former UFC champion Gerald "G" Young, were accosted by a large group of Chinese youths and parents who claimed that the predominantly white martial arts studio was discriminatory in its enrollment policies. Claims such as these have surfaced before, as the studio enrolls primarily white, southern, males who believe that the way of the Japanese Samurai is the only way to "get America back on track". Some of its members have been linked to the Tea Party movement and have proverbs from "The Art of War" tattooed on their body or on their pickup trucks. Few actually acknowledge that the Samurai is a Japanese tradition while Tsun-Tsu was Chinese.

The confrontation quickly escalated from the cracking of knuckles and posing in different animal fighting styles to an all out brawl. Alpha Male News was able to obtain a copy of the transcript of the anonymous 911 call: "Help! You've got to send the police! They're out of control! Everybody is Kung-Fu Fighting!" Police did not immediately respond, thinking the call was a hoax, referring to the popular song by one-hit wonder Carl Douglas entitled "Kung Fu Fighting". After several similar calls, however, police responded with force to break up the moderately athletic and incensed crowd. One police officer and 3 students were taken to a local hospital with minor bruises. The fighting came to a stop only after one of the younger students received a bloody nose, at which time the crowd drew around him making sure he was seriously okay.

The city of Washington, D.C. has placed Douglas' song on a "No Play" list indefinitely, while a Senate panel investigates the violent lyrics and their potential suggestion to minors to engage in violent acts. The only complaints filed so far have been by karaoke bars in the area and local middle aged drunks.

STUDY SHOWS THAT MOST SMOKERS ONLY CONTINUE HABIT TO SPITE "POMPOUS DILDOS"

Richmond, VA- A study released today by the FDA found that a majority of cigarette smokers do, in fact, want to quit, but are reluctant to do so because of various anti-smoking campaigns that they view as "bullshit". Dr. Allen Taters revealed the surprise felt by the researchers at the results of their study: "Contrary to previous belief, many of the smokers we interviewed did actually know that smoking was bad for them. This is a huge revelation, since most of the anti-smoking work done up to this point has been based on the assumption that smokers were just ignorant hicks who didn't know what was good for them, and that our role was to enlighten them on the advances made in medical and social circles in the last fifty years. We were quite taken aback, and these findings have the potential to completly upend the ways in which we go about imposing our values on other people!"
Many smokers have a strong desire to quit smoking and kick their nicotene addiction, but refuse to on personal or moral grounds. Harry LeGrange, a smoker of 15 years and participant in the study, spoke on behalf of area smokers: "Of course we want to quit! You think we enjoy the detrimental health effects, the inability to climb flights of stairs, the hundreds of dollars we spend, the constant smell of refuse clinging to our clothes and hair? Unfortunately, we have to continue this destructive habit because of them." By "them" Mr. LeGrange was referring to the anti-smoking campaigns and activists, who he claimed were "pompous dildoes who wanted to control those they thought were too stupid to make their own choices about their personal lifestyle".
Numerous other smokers agreed with Mr. LeGrange's assessment. One smoker credited "Truth" (the organization known for its orange color scheme and nauseatingly confrontational commercial ads) as her primary reason for not quitting. One teenager remarked that a school assembly featuring a "Smoke Out" theme aimed at making it look cool to not smoke was the trigger that got her smoking in the first place. The study also found that most people found smoking to be "much cooler" than quitting, and 90% of those polled responded positively to suggestions about kicking anti-smoking activists in the genitals.