Tuesday February 1, 2011

BOY WALKS IN ON PARENTS IN THE BEDROOM, SCARRED FOR LIFE

Boise, ID- Taylor Wright, 12, had the most traumatic experience of his young life last night when he walked in on his parents while they were having their first intimate experience in weeks. After having a nightmare involving characters from Winnie the Pooh, Wright ran to down the hall to his parents' bedroom where he burst open the door and found his legal guardians and providers engaged in what appeared to be a hate-filled wrestling match, but without clothing. Seeing their young son standing in the doorway staring at them, Sam Wright, 40, quickly pulled out and shouted "Get the hell out of here!", which sent the young Wright scrambling back into his bed to spend the rest of the night staring at his ceiling attempting to rid his mind of the image seared into his brain. The elder Wright, likewise, spent the rest of his night staring at the ceiling in sexually frustrated rage, knowing that it would be impossible to convince his wife to "give it another go" after being interrupted in such a fashion, and thus sacrificing his one chance for sexual intercourse for another several weeks.

WONKA EMPLOYEES ON STRIKE TO DEMAND BETTER TREATMENT

(The Oompa Loompa Union has formed a picket line and promised to fight back against Mr. Wonka if he uses force, and to "not be so sweet" if necessary".)

Wonka Factory- The strike by the employees of Willy Wonka's candy factory has now entered its third day, with the union and employer negotiations breaking down indefinitely. The union, the United Oompa Loompa Workers Union, called for the strike in response to Mr. Wonka's refusal to grant them greater benefits, which include health insurance, safer working conditions, less humiliating uniforms, and pay that is not in the form of candy. The small, grotesque, orange and green creatures have formed a strike line outside the gates of the factory, where they have reportedly beaten and humiliated outside labor that Mr. Wonka has tried to bring in to fill the work orders left by the strike, including a crew of Hobbits from the Shire and a group of circus performers, which the union has dubbed "Scabs!". Mr. Wonka has promised to use force to remove the strikers if necessary, with crews setting up chocolate sauce fire hoses and gum ball guns near the strike line. The situation, if left unresolved, promises to turn ugly... and delicious.

Friday January 28, 2011

WORLD NEWS

PROTESTS CONTINUE IN EGYPT AGAINST CORRUPT RULER, LED BY YOUNG VAGABOND AND HIS PET MONKEY

(Egypt's leadership, a long-time U.S. ally, is struggling to control the protests and has promised to use dark magic if necessary to restore order and keep grips on power)

Cairo, Egypt- Riot police and the country's military continued to clash with protesters Friday, though the movement shows no sign of slowing down as its leader, a local transient and convicted thief known only as Aladdin, continues to rally the people around him for support. The country's dictatorial leader, Jafar, is still trying to quash the rebellion but imprisoning the movement's young leader proved unsuccessful as he employed the help of a genie to escape and regroup his efforts. Also helping to organize the protesters is Aladdin's pet monkey Apu, who is known for his fiery rhetoric and adorable eyes.

Thursday January 27, 2011

AFTER ONE WILD NEW YEARS' EVE PARTY, THE ALPHA MALE NEWS STAFF FINALLY POSTS BAIL AND RESUMES PUBLISHING NEWS

Cozumel, Mexico- As many of you may have noticed, the Alpha Male News team has been conspicuously absent the past month and several days. The cause of this hiatus was due to a New Year's Eve office party that quickly got out of hand, involving copious amounts of Jagermeister, nude thrash dancing, gambling on cock-fights, and at least three dead. By the time local police responded to noise complaints, the situation was well out of hand. So, we've spent the last several weeks learning the laws of the jungle in prison life and negotiating an economy which uses cigarettes as its main currency, and with no access to internet most days (and the days we had it we had to send frantic messages for help to relatives back in the United States) we were not able to update the news. For that, and to the citizens of Cozumel, we are truly sorry. But, we're back and we've now learned our lesson! Here's to a news filled 2011!

COURT RULES THE TERM"HONKEY" NO LONGER OFFENSIVE TO WHITE PEOPLE

Richmond, VA- In an emotional ruling today, the Virginia's high court ruled in favor of the defendants Ronald Green and Sammy Leeks who reportedly used the term "honkey" in a conversation at a Starbucks last year and we're charged with a hate crime by the Starbuck's political correctness police (SPCP). Appealing the charges, Green and Leeks claimed that they had not been referring to white people, of which they are included, but were instead discussing circus clowns, to whom the term has been applied inrecent years. The use of the term "honkey" as a derogatory term for white people has been out of vogue for decades, the defendants claimed, and that circus clowns, who legally have no rights, were the new group designated by the slightly humorous, and largely unoffensive, term. In his decision, Judge Dredd of Virginia's supreme court wrote that "No one, especially white people in today's society, is offended by, or even remembers what the original meaning of the term "honkey" is. The fact that it is now applied to a group of facepainted transients who frighten and anger the majority of the population is something that should come as no surprise to anyone. These people do, in fact, employ horns and other instruments that do "honk". Since the days of Bozo, the clown community in this country has taken a turn for the worst, and it would be fair to term them something much worse than "honkey's"; like America's gypsy's for instance." The ruling deals a huge blow to the clown community's fight for acknowledgment and rights. The advocacy group "Clowns United to Negate Tyranny" released this statment following the announcement: "Wakka Wakka!"

(A "Honkey" representing C.U.N.T at the trial.)

MAN COMMITS SUICIDE BECAUSE OF TANGLED HEADPHONES

Los Angeles, CA- Sherman McDowell took his life outside of an Apple store here in L.A. late yesterday afternoon. He shot himself using a .45 pistol after attempting to untangle his ear-bud headphones made by Skull Candy Inc., which became hopelessly tangled in his pocket throughout the day. Onlookers reported McDowell struggled to straiten out the interwoven cords for over an hour before shouting that "this shit is harder than a rubix cube! Everytime I want to listen to Maroon 5 while walking I cant, because these little demons tie themselves tighter than a Boy Scout knot! I can't live like this. Goodbye, cruel Apple...." The incident involving Mr. McDowell follows a recent trend in headphone cord tangling related suicides. Many claim they can't see how the universe could be ordered by a benevolent deity if such disorder and frustrating tangles could exist in their very pocket.

The Sunday Male: December 19, 2010

PALIN CONTINUES TO PLEASE CROWDS WITH COMEDY TOUR AND SHOW

Anchorage, AK- Since the 2008 presidential election, crowds have been flocking to hear Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska perform, buying up her books, and staying tuned to her TV appearances with the fervor of religious zealots. Mrs. Palin has effectively become the country's funniest and most successful comedians within a matter of two years and a relentless touring schedule. With a humor that blends outrageous political statements and ideas with a "dumb blonde" tone and delivery, and even a few bear jokes, Mrs. Palin has been splitting the sides of Americans from California to Florida. Alpha Male News caught up a few comedy club goers after seeing Palin perform, where they told us that "She's by far the funniest woman in America. I mean that whole bit about the grizzly bears and her Obama jokes, they kill me every time." Palin has quickly grabbed attention and plans to continue her comedy career by appearing at rally's and comedy clubs throughout the country. Comedy Central is also planning to air the next Tea Party Rally as a stand up comedy special, providing Mrs. Palin's humorous antics with a wider audience.

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!

I VEOL EPURIVNA MOWEN!*

*answer revealed in Monday's Male

Wednesday December 15, 2010

VOYAGER 1 REACHES OUTER LIMITS OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, FINDS THAT SPACE SUCKS

(Contrary to NASA's hopes, the probe has not gotten to battle any aliens or meteors)

Houston, TX- NASA reported this week that the Voyager 1 probe, launched over 30 years ago, will be leaving the solar system within the next 4 years. The probe has sent back remarkable pictures of the planets and their moons and will soon be sending back data on the farthest reaches of space explored to date. Dan Fitzwilliams, press officer for NASA, summarized the significance of the Voyager 1 mission: "This probe, launched in 1977, has allowed us to find out more about our solar system than ever thought possible, and will soon be telling us about what lies beyond. On the whole, however, much of the information sent back by the Voyager 1 has indicated that space, in fact, sucks. It's cold, dark, empty, and terribly lonely. There are no sweet aliens to fight or learn from, there are no asteroids poised to crash land into Earth and infect the planet with deadly alien viruses, and there are no evil talking computers or portals to other dimensions. Quite frankly, space is boring." Dr. Fitzwilliams stressed the research teams at NASA are not hopeful that anything of interest will be found by the Voyager once it passes out of the sun's influence and into interstellar space. "Probably just more vast expanses of cold, black nothingness," according to Fitzwilliams. The findings of the Voyager probe corroborate evidence found by California researchers last month of an "alien" bacterium that could use arsenic in its metabolic processes rather than phosphorus, news which also point to the fact that space is a big boring piece of poop.

ANSWER TO SUNDAY'S WORD JUMBLE!

*I LOVE BRAZILIAN WOMEN

The Sunday Male: December 12, 2010

TEENAGER SMOKES MARIJUANA, HAS GREAT TIME WITH FEW SIDE EFFECTS

Grand Rapids, MI- 16 year old Michael Donnelly and two of his friends reportedly had an "awesome" time yesterday afternoon after acquiring one gram of marijuana from Donnelly's older brother. The three teens used a novelty corncob pipe they purchased at a gas station to consume the cannabis, and weren't entirely sure what to expect. Harry Stevenson, one of the participants, reported feelings of nervousness before they lit up: "I was pretty nervous actually. I'd seen people smoke pot in movies and on TV, and it looked like it would be pretty fun. But then I'd heard all kinds of bad things about it from my parents, from my school, and of course Officer DARE back in middle school. So I was pretty confused about what it was actually going to be like. But it turned out to be sweet. Really sweet." The trio of wanna-be stoners rode their Huffy bikes to the deserted lot behind their old elementary school to toke up. After inhaling all three went into violent coughing spasms, but soon found themselves giggling uncontrollably. After Donnelly quote "started doing this robot dance thing and making beeping noises" they all fell over laughing in the knee high grass. They friends reiterated several times how much they loved each other and at some point got out an iphone to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Listening to "Californication," the teens laughed at funny cloud shapes and then got into a "really, really deep conversation" about "God and stuff". After a few hours, the effects reportedly wore off and the three were able to return home to eat an entire box of Captain Crunch cereal with Crunchberries.

(The three friends plan to get more devil's lettuce and "schmoke it up again")

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!!!

I VLOE ZRABLIANI MWONE!!*

*answer revealed in Monday's Male

Friday December 10, 2010

DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS REACH TAX DEAL IN CONGRESS, AGREE TO SCREW AMERICANS TOGETHER

Washington, D.C.- On Capital Hill today, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle announced the largest bipartisan deal in decades. Speaking together in the rotunda, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell declared that a deal on new tax legislation had been reached between the two parties, one which had somehow managed to win the support of 100% of both houses of Congress. Ms. Pelosi spoke to a crowd of reporters, describing the new tax legislation as "a major accomplishment for America's lawmakers. Finally, after all the squabbling and bickering and political titty-twisting, Republicans and Democrats have found a common goal around which we can all gather. Putting the ideological differences we learned from outdated books in prestigious universities aside, we have discovered a common interest in royally screwing the American citizen at every possible opportunity." Shaking hands, hugging, and even sneaking a few ass grabs in occasionally, the oligarchy of the nation congratulated themselves on a job well done for their personal and class interests. Senator McConnell, echoing Ms. Pelosi's views, had this to say: "It's taken some time, but we've finally realized that we were really working towards the same end this whole time. Both parties have finally come to their senses and agreed to work together to become the most ineffectual, unfeeling, and pointless governing body in the land. Our differences are negligible compared to our shared passion for swindling the American populace, who we all mutually regard as filthy rabble to be sedated periodically so that we may retain our lives of power and luxury. This is truly a great day for America!" Response from the White House came as President Obama travels to another insignificant East Asian nation where his agenda and influence will be rebuffed by a corrupt leader. In a statement from Air Force One the president said that he was "quite out of touch with what is actually happening in Congress, as with most of America," but that he "is still very, very optimistic that things will pan out the way he wants them to."

(Mr. Boehner and Ms. Pelosi on their way to the press conference)