Tuesday November 30, 2010

WORLD NEWS

CITING OVERWHELMING RESPONSIBILITIES, EVIL GENIUS RESIGNS SOON AFTER TAKING OVER THE WORLD

Zurich, Switzerland- For a short period yesterday, approximately 6 hours, Professor Oran Hellmoney was the undisputed ruler of the world, overpowering and outsmarting world security agencies and intelligence services. Laughing maniacally into a microphone at a press conference, he announced his unlimited control and total domination of the world's population who, he said, were "powerless" to stop him. But later that same afternoon, Hellmoney called another press conference where he announced that he would be resigning from his position as undisputed ruler of the world. Apparently the sheer amount of responsibilities and tasks faced by a single person attempting to govern and control a population as large as Earth's were unmanageable, according to Hellmoney. At the conference, Prof. Hellmoney had this to say: "I thought that controlling the world would be a breeze. I mean, my army of robots and my ingenious supercomputers were able to outwit the best the world's governments had to offer so I figured that they could take care of most of the governing, but boy was I wrong. My day was filled with nothing but paperwork, schmoozing, humanitarian and diplomatic crises, on top of being publicly humiliated and criticized in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu! I just couldn't handle all that. Plus I wouldn't have had time to perfect all of my ingenious torture devices!" Hellmoney now plans to return to his volcanic island lair somewhere in the Pacific where he looks forward to combating agents from Western intelligence services in the future.

NATIONAL NEWS

STUDY FINDS THAT MOST MEN WOULD, IN FACT, SLEEP WITH MOST WOMEN

Los Angeles, CA- UCLA researchers published findings today from a survey of over 12,000 American men with regards to their sexual preferences and habits. While some of the data supported previously held beliefs, like the fact that men think about sex more than women, some of the university researchers' findings shed new light on the ways in which men think about procreation. In their interviews they found that 98% of men were willing to have carnal relations with an attractive stranger right then and there. They also found that 91% of men were willing to bump uglies with a moderately attractive stranger/former acquaintance right then and there, and that 89% of men were willing to "do tha dang thang" with relatively unattractive strangers/former acquaintances in that very room. The study proves that men, generally regarded by the opposite sex as pigs with no self-respect and solely concerned with sex in most of their interpersonal relationships, do in fact fit neatly into that stereotype. Dr. Kenneth Ship, the head of the research team, commented on the study's findings: "At first, we weren't really sure what we were looking for. Most of my female colleagues simply couldn't believe that most men would have so few qualms about free and unattached sexual relations, while my male colleagues and myself had a pretty good feeling about what we'd find. We just decided to keep our mouths shut and act surprised by the results in the hope that they would then come to us for comfort and support. Because, really, what guy would turn down a freebie?" Some other interesting statistics from the study report that over 75% of men's conversations with women are simply a ploy to get into their pants, 87% of men could not think of a situation in which they would not want to do it, and another 86% of men could not think of a woman who, when it really came down to it, they would reject if the offered a chance to play hot dog vendor to her bun.

Monday November 29, 2010

WORLD NEWS

WIKILEAKS FOUNDER HAS LONG HISTORY OF "TATTLE-TALEING"

(The White House sent this official response to Wikileaks today)

London- Recently published documents and accounts show that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, the controversial figure responsible for the release of thousands of classified U.S. government documents, has a long and storied history of being a snitch. Grammar school classmates of Mr. Assange detailed numerous instances where Mr. Assange witnessed them breaking the rules or stealing an extra cookie at snacktime and then told their teacher about it. "He was a real twit, always running to teacher anytime anybody did anything out of line. But once we got out on the playground, he got his," said Robert Princetuff, a former classmate of Mr. Assange. Princetuff then outlined the methodical beatings and kickings Mr. Assange received from the other boys, often kicking him in the genitals and pushing him into the dirt while shouting "Snitch" and "tattle-tail" and "bitch". Mr. Assange's narc status continued well into his adult life, where he supposedly caused his parents divorce by telling his mother about his father's affair, and his father about his mother's affair. In college, Mr. Assange was notorious for calling the police to report parties that were over the decibal level of public noise ordinances and also got several of his best friends expelled by ratting them out for smoking pot sophomore year. Each of these occurrences were also accompanied by thorough ass-beatings. Many analysts believe it is only a matter of time before Mr. Assange is forced to give himself oral pleasure by the U.S.government for snitching on them.

GOD CONTINUES TO DEFECATE ON HAITI

Port-au-Prince, Haiti- Citing some unholy chile con carne that He had a few months ago at a social gathering, God continued today to unleash a horrible torrent of excrement on the island nation of Haiti. Following his first two visits to the veritable toilet of the cosmos, where an apocalyptic earthquake that destroyed much of the country's infrastructure and killed thousands was then followed by a rampant outbreak of cholera that has killed an additional 1,200 people, God today had to make another run back to His throne to unleash some more suffering on the Haitian people. Recent elections in the country have been accused of fraud and manipulation, and the country is now threatened by rioting as the opposition parties are boycotting the elections and calling for protests. God apparently just made it in time to avoid soiling his robes, and was quoted as saying "Jesus!" several times throughout the morning. U.N. secretary general Ban-Ki Moon told a press conference today that the security council is deliberating plans to launch a rocket filled with Pepto Bismal and Immodiam AD into the sky in hopes that it will appease the All-Mighty's dysfunctional bowel movements.

Thanksgiving Day November 25, 2010

TURKEY/PILGRIM RELATED HUMOR SEES BIGGEST GAINS IN A YEAR

New Haven, CT- Polls in recent days have shown a spike in pilgrim and turkey related humor, the genre's largest gains in almost a year. Reports of jokes ending with the phrase "gobble gobble gobble" or referring to Plymouth Rock and the life of a pilgrim have increased tenfold over the past week and a half. Many of the half-hearted, mildly entertaining jests are shelved by the majority of the population throughout the calender year, but are employed in the weeks leading up to the Thanksgiving holiday because they are deemed timely and situationally appropriate by most Americans. Professor Kenneth Beltham of the University of Connecticut has studied pilgrim related humor for several years and finds America's continued romanticization of the early settlers of New England fascinating. "It really is remarkable," Professor Beltham told Alpha Male News, "that people can still find humor in these tired, old jokes. No one has made a serious contribution of new material to the field in over 20 years, since Timothy Jones' remark at a family dinner on Thanksgiving that 'that Squanto really knows his stuff,' which really wasn't all that funny in itself." Beltham continued saying that humor related to the horrible suffering of the pilgrims in their first year where most of their party starved or froze to death seems strange, especially because the pilgrims themselves, being strict Protestants, were not very funny people. According to one recent study, the most promising market for Thanksgiving day humor comes from the turkey sector, where young boys have been relating oral sex to the noise a turkey makes, a distinct "gobble gobble gobble," though many animal rights activist have argued against this sort of humor, claiming Thanksgiving day as a kind of turkey holocaust, souring the mood at their dinners and making everyone uncomfortable and bitter.

Tuesday November 23 & Wednesday November 24, 2010

WOMAN'S POLITICAL BUMPER STICKERS CHANGING PEOPLE'S OPINIONS

New York, NY- Sheila Bloom has become one of this city's most powerful political activists over the past decade, and she hasn't written a book, given a speech, or even given money to a candidate. Instead, she has just been driving around. Mrs. Bloom's 2002 Volvo station wagon serves as a veritable collage of witty and biting political bumper stickers, some of which she has kept on there for over 6 years. Some of the most notable ones include a "Kerry/Edwards '04" sticker from the failed Democratic presidential campaign of that year, a "COEXIST" sticker where each letter is spelled with a different symbol from various religious backgrounds, an Apple computers sticker, and a "Another Mama For Obama" bumper sticker. Each one of these pieces of political advertising was carefully selected and placed, according to Mrs. Bloom, to have the maximum effect on the drivers behind her in traffic. "It's all about educating people," she told Alpha Male News, "so many folks just don't know enough about the issues to have an educated opinion. I feel it is my responsibility to remind them while they are on their way to work that Iraq was a mistake, that Obama is a visionary, and that you're just an ignorant, intolerant bigot if you don't tolerate other people's opinions."

Mrs. Bloom's bumper sticker campaign has, in fact, had an effect on the viewpoints of several of her fellow commuters. Harry Rublaski, a local carpenter, said that driving behind Mrs. Bloom was an eye opening experience for him: "She just made such a compelling argument. I really did need to be reminded that John Kerry was the option we should have chosen for president, and that Fox News is a biased news source. She's really brought me out of the dark and into the light." Marian Newsome reported a similar experience: "I had just totally forgotten about all of these really important issues. I mean none of it was on my radar, not even global warming or our military presence in Afghanistan. Her stickers woke me up to what's really going on in our world today." Mrs. Bloom plans to continue her work and collect as many bumper stickers can be safely added to her rear window without obscuring her ability to see behind her. Asked about the costs of supporting her continued efforts she replied, "Oh it will be okay, my husband's orthopedic practice will pay for everything."

Monday November 22, 2010

NATIONAL NEWS

TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION GETS LEGAL GO-AHEAD FOR "PERVERT TACTICS' IN AIRPORT SECURITY

Washington, D.C- Anxious about a terrorist attack on the nation's airline and mass transit systems over the Thanksgiving holiday, the federal government has given the TSA the green light to carry out controversial "pervert tactics" in security screenings of passengers at airports and other transit hubs. Some of the specific activities included in the new security measures include full body scans, naked pictures taken of passengers to check for devices or chemicals on their person and also commonly referred to as "Superman's nudie pics" referring to Superman's x-ray vision and the slightly pornographic nature of the images, as well as thorough pat downs by security officials of passangers, giving special attention to the groin and breast areas. This particular procedure, also known as the "Uncle Sam rub down", has passangers upset because, they claim, security personnel are profiling individuals to be felt up according to their sexual orientation/preference. When asked for comment about this accusation, the director of te TSA had this to say: "And...?"

While most of the uproar over the new security measures has come from the nation's air travelers, several other forms of transportation have been affected as well. The nation's train and Amtrack systems have implemented multiple aspects of the pervert technique, including the rub down as well as installing "security peep-holes" in many of the public restrooms at stations so TSA officials can "get a better look at what passangers are doing in there". Several train commuters have complained of disposable cameras being used to document their strip searches, wondering why the $8 cameras that can be purchased in the station's gift shops are used in government security processes. The nation's bus and Greyhound travelers', a demographic well acquainted with acts of sexual perversion as a part of their experience, are complaining of an increased number of incidents and "unreasonable" prodicals. In Newark, NJ passangers expressed reservations about the usefulness of the TSA's screening procedure involving the mutual revealing of genitalia behind security screens, also known as "Show me your patriotism, I'll show you mine". There have also been several reports from female, as well as male, passangers of arriving at their destination to find pairs of underwear missing from their luggage, high heeled shoes stolen, and obscene stick figure drawings placed in their bags as a notification of inspection by the TSA.

WORLD NEWS

IRELAND, DUE TO EMPLOYMENT PROBLEMS RELATED TO ALCOHOL ABUSE, TURNS INTO A BUM

Dublin, Ireland- After years of denying a drinking or monetary problems, Ireland has finally succumbed to what most analysts predicted were inevitable consequences of lifestyle, and turned into a giant bum. Seeking a handout from other European countries to help shore up its collapsing banking and financial sector, Ireland had this to say: "Spare some change, sir? Change? I ain't eaten in a month!" When the financial ministers of Europe felt the pangs of conscience bubbling up inside them, partly due to guilt about hundreds of years of exploitation of the Irish people and guilt over having a role in their current demise, they quickly dug around in pockets exaggeratedly, being sure to jangle their coins loud enough so Ireland would not hear the bills in their pockets rustling, and deposited whatever loose change they had into the empty Guinness glass. The Irish spokesperson had this to say: "God bless you gents, God bless ye!" Reports quickly circulated that Ireland had taken its bailout money to a local pub, where it got "wonky" on Jameson whiskey and subsequently shit its pants in the alleyway out back.

ANSWER TO SUNDAY'S WORD JUMBLE!

*I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN!

Special Sunday Edition: The Sunday Male

National News

GUY MOUTHS WORDS TO HIS HARDCORE MUSIC AT THE GYM, GETS OVATION

Trenton, NJ- A round of applause arose in Gold's Gym here today after an uplifting rendition of Papa Roach's "Last Resort" was mouthed almost inaudibly while being blared from earbuds by Jake Tontonia, 25. Tontonia, who enjoys wearing tattered tanktops and baggy athletic pants to highlight his physical attributes at the gym and typically blares his iPod so that it is clearly audible by the rest of the gym goers, lipsycned with vigor today, even adding a few emphatic head bangs while watching himself in the mirror. Onlookers who were at first perturbed and annoyed by Tontonia's aggressive behavior, soon found themselves laughing and pointing from the doorway as the performance progressed. The considerable crowd was thrilled with the occasional exertion grunt, something Tontonia claims he picked up while attending Tae-Kwon-Do lessons as a "badass little fucker" and roared with laughter as he flexed for himself in the mirror. Sherry Lane described her reaction to the performance: "He's really astonishing. The way he can simultaneously lift weights and recite emo lyrics in a low, rapist whisper to himself is art at its finest." Upon finishing his set and song, Tontonia was surprised to find a packed hallway of cheering onlookers. Regarding this as an affront to his masculinity and obvious physcial dominance, and dredging up some hurtful memories of his conquered speech impediment, Tontonia stormed out of the gym vowing revenge. He reiterated the seriousness of his message in the parking lot by revving the engine of his suuped up Honda Civic and doing a 2 second burnout as he turned onto the main street which, he hoped, would "shut all those pussy-haters up."

DEFENDANT GETS REDUCED SENTANCE THANKS TO CLASSIC ARGUMENT

Tallahassee, FL- Facing 25 years to life in prison for the murder of three circus employees, Lawrence Ovis managed to mount a successful defense and get a reduced sentance of 10 years in a maximum security prison. Ovis, who has described the night in question as "a card game with a couple of travelin carnie's gone south," was charged with the murders of Samuel Morey (Tuggles the Clown), Jerry Toms (Rondo the Clown), and Wesely Wells (midget) in December 2008 in which Ovis accused the three men of cheating him during the card game, drew his .45 automatic pistol, and reportedly exclaimed "I ain't gonna be cheated by no goddamn chuckle fuckers and especially not by no midget!" before opening fire and killing all three. Ovis then attempted to flee the scene in the victim's vehicle, but was quickly apprehended by police since the maximum speed of most clown cars is only 20 mph.

In court, though, Ovis showed more finesse. When asked for a statement of guilt by the judge, Ovis replied "I know you are but what I am I?" Befuddled, Judge Sarah Haynes called for a short recess to confer with the two lead counsels. Finding no legal precedent prohibiting the use of this defense, the State of Florida was forced to try and build a case against Ovis statement. After nearly two years and thousands of playground interviews, the prosecution has conceded the victory to Mr. Ovis, declaring in a statement today that "While incontrovertably guilty of these horrendous crimes, the defendant has managed to argue his case with the highest capability, his case against ours proving insurmountable. After several years of dedicated work, we must admit that there truly is no argument to made against the defense."

Alpha Male News was permitted an interview with Mr. Ovis in his cell at the Florida Maximum Security Penitentiary, but could not obtain any answer from him to questions other than "I know you are but what am I?" Before leaving, and after hours of receiving nothing but "I know you are but what am I?" from Mr. Ovis, the reporter slipped the guard a fifty dollar bill and told him to "Give him the old Shawshank Redemption," referring to the 1994 film directed by Frank Darabont based on the novel by Stephen King.

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!

I VLOE SAIAN MOEWN!*

*Answer revealed on Monday

Saturday November 20, 2010

NATIONAL NEWS

OLD MAN TELLS INTERESTING STORY

Cleveland, OH- 73 year old Jerry Munster made headlines today by telling a story to his teenage grandson that was actually interesting. Munster, who has a long track record of rambling, tangential tales about his many years as an insurance agent at the local Farm Bureau Insurance Co. branch, gained interest while discussing a trip south of the border. While his grandson, Timothy Munster, typically manages to listen politely, thanks to his frequent use of cannabis, to his grandfather's yarns about ornery customers and errors in paperwork that caused "such a fuss", he had begun to grow tired recently of pretending to care.
"I can usually space out and look like I'm engaged in the conversation, you know, although I guess i don't really have to look like anything because his glaucoma's gotten pretty bad recently. But over the last couple of weeks I just find myself giving less and less of a shit about whatever he's talking about! Today, though, today was something special."
Expecting another story from the workplace, Timothy Munster was surprised when the elder Munster launched into a detailed depiction of his 1968 trip to Mexico for an insurance conference. Highlights of the trip, according to Mr. Munster, included copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine consumption, gambling on "high-stakes cock fights," and "as many hookers as you could order." The story also included a graphic description of the best way to smuggle narcotics over the U.S./Mexican border in a human rectum.
The younger Munster had this to say about his grandfather's first interesting story: "I was blown away, absolutely astounded. I mean, for once I actually cared about what he was saying. It was a great bonding moment for us, you know, two different generations of my family coming together. Really heartwarming stuff." Mr. Munster expressed his excited anticipation of his grandfather's next tale, about his company vacation to the Phillippines in the 1980's.

TEXAS WOMAN SURPRISED THAT MEN STARE AT HER CLEAVAGE

Dallas, TX- Erica Irving was shocked to discover today that men of all ages and backgrounds were ogling her excessive amount of cleavage. Wearing a slim fitting, low cut tank-top and a brightly colored push up bra, Ms. Irving was out for a day of shopping at the local mall when she noticed groups of men staring and pointing at her massive milk balloons. Several of the men could even be heard to be making comments, such as "Hey pretty baby, them pillow parts are getting my blood pumping," and "The twins are out for a stroll huh?" Ms. Irving, a size DD, was shocked and offended at some of the remarks: "I just couldn't believe those men were behaving like such animals! I mean, if I want to go out in public and reveal 85% of my supple bosoms, that's my business. They don't have no right to be looking at these glorious cans." Several gentleman at the mall responded to questions posed by Alpha Male News about their behavior towards Ms. Irving and her supple, supple life-nourishing fun bags, though most of their responses were either incoherent or just a repeated mumbling of obscenities as they recalled the image of the breasts in question. Ms. Irving says that she has no plans to change her wardrobe or her behavior, claiming that it's not her fault that her titties are so exposed, it's the fault of the men for being biologically obligated to stare.

WORLD NEWS

THE MIDDLE EAST: Hot and everyone wants to kill everyone.
SOUTH AMERICA: Steamy, steamy jungles full of drugs, still.
CANADA: Who gives a fuck?
EUROPE: A bunch of crybabies who need U.S. to help them out of a jam, again.
CHINA: Getting too big for its britches, due for a sharp flick in the tiny, tiny testicles.
AUSTRALIA: More bad-ass than us, but kangaroos planted by the CIA keep them in check.
INDIA: Food is too spicy and can't be understood over the phone when computer breaks.
GREAT BRITAIN: Pale, snaggle-toothed cousins of U.S. are still bitching and moaning about everything.
AFRICA: Shiny stuff in the ground causes bloodshed.

A SPECIAL REPORT ON YEMEN

YEMEN- It's gonna get fucked, real hard.

Friday November 19, 2010

CHICAGO MAN PULL OFF MIRACULOUS FEAT WHILE ON FIRST DATE

Chicago, IL- In a miraculous performance Thursday night, Ron Kelvins, 26, managed to rescue a potentially horrific date and turn it into a unequivocal success. While out to dinner on a first date with Kathy Jacobs, 24, Kelvins felt the aftereffects of the Q'doba three cheese burrito he had eaten for lunch begin to make him uncomfortable. He fought off the burning sensation in his lower abdomen for a remarkable thirty minutes while attempting to appear engaged in the conversation. While trying to follow Jacobs' description of the new color scheme in her apartment, Kelvins made the strategic choice to try and release some of the built up pressure as silently as possible. Shifting to one elbow and imperceptibly raising the right side of his ass off of his chair, Kelvins suddenly felt the backside of his pants grow unusually warm. Mr. Kelvins had this to say about the moment in question: "I realized that the levies had been breached, you know what I mean. I knew I had about 15 seconds before the smell reached her and I had no possible way of playing it off if that happened. So I reacted, told her that I needed to take a phone call, and duck shuffled my way to the bathroom. At that point I barricaded the door and had to do some quick damage control. It was like the gulf oil spill in there. I threw away my undies and stuffed potpourri in my pockets to mask the scent. Then I went back to the table and continued like nothing had happened."

The rest of the date went smoothly, according to sources, with Jacobs even agreeing to go out for a few drinks after dinner. Upon arriving back to her apartment, Kelvins managed to obtain a goodnight kiss and copped a breast feel, promising signs for future engagements according to both parties involved. The triumphant Kelvins then promptly returned back to his apartment to wash his ass.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

*Sarah and Mike Loiters would like to announce today the birth of their first child, crushing of all their dreams and goals for the future, and ending any hopes for a personal life for the next 18 years. The end of their youth and final responsibility that has tipped the scales towards a slow decline into oblivion weighed 7 lbs. 2 ounces.

Thursday November 18, 2010

NICE GUY FINISHES LAST IN LATEST VOTE

Seattle, WA- Confirming recent poll predictions and special interest studies, local nice guy Phil Hartman finished in last place in the running for cheerleader Jane Skiesmore's affections. Hartman, a self-described "genuine fellow" and all around good guy, was defeated by a significant margin in the running by opponent Trey Gillford, an outspoken critic of "bitches and hoes and haters". Results obtained by Alpha Male News show Gillford reporting a 98% total in Ms. Skiesmore's affections, while Mr. Hartman finished with a lowly 1%, the race being split by third party candidate, Fifi, Ms. Skiesmore's new puppy.

When asked about the results, Ms. Skiesmore had this to say: "I dunno, like, Trey is just such a hottie, you know? He really played well in the last game, and his truck is so loud. Phil is really, really sweet, and we'll always be friends. I just think Trey has a bigger wiener."

This latest election follows the national trend of Nice Guy candidates being voted out of relationships, with the up and coming Asshole movement making huge gains in the bedroom. Exit poll data indicates female dissatisfaction with being treated decently and being respected for who they are, with most female voters hoping for a return to "the good old days" where they were treated like shit and often regarded as physical objects.

When asked about his party's big win Mr Gillford remarked that he was "Like a G-6".

When asked about his party's big loss Mr Hartman had this to say: "Well, the ladies have spoken and we've got to learn from our mistakes. From now on, our party will concentrate our efforts on disrespecting women, thinking of platonic relationships as avenues to be exploited for sex, and to generally stop being such pussies."

Wednesday November 17, 2010

INCIDENT IN PREDOMINANTLY CHINESE NEIGHBORHOOD SPARKS DEBATE ABOUT DANGEROUS SUGGESTIONS FOUND IN CLASSIC FUNK SONG

Washington, D.C.- Police in riot gear were called in Wednesday afternoon to the Chinatown district of the nation's capital due to reports of excessive violence and disturbing the peace. A group of 15 students coming out of the Invincible Dragon Karate and Mixed Martial Arts Studio, owned and operated by former UFC champion Gerald "G" Young, were accosted by a large group of Chinese youths and parents who claimed that the predominantly white martial arts studio was discriminatory in its enrollment policies. Claims such as these have surfaced before, as the studio enrolls primarily white, southern, males who believe that the way of the Japanese Samurai is the only way to "get America back on track". Some of its members have been linked to the Tea Party movement and have proverbs from "The Art of War" tattooed on their body or on their pickup trucks. Few actually acknowledge that the Samurai is a Japanese tradition while Tsun-Tsu was Chinese.

The confrontation quickly escalated from the cracking of knuckles and posing in different animal fighting styles to an all out brawl. Alpha Male News was able to obtain a copy of the transcript of the anonymous 911 call: "Help! You've got to send the police! They're out of control! Everybody is Kung-Fu Fighting!" Police did not immediately respond, thinking the call was a hoax, referring to the popular song by one-hit wonder Carl Douglas entitled "Kung Fu Fighting". After several similar calls, however, police responded with force to break up the moderately athletic and incensed crowd. One police officer and 3 students were taken to a local hospital with minor bruises. The fighting came to a stop only after one of the younger students received a bloody nose, at which time the crowd drew around him making sure he was seriously okay.

The city of Washington, D.C. has placed Douglas' song on a "No Play" list indefinitely, while a Senate panel investigates the violent lyrics and their potential suggestion to minors to engage in violent acts. The only complaints filed so far have been by karaoke bars in the area and local middle aged drunks.

STUDY SHOWS THAT MOST SMOKERS ONLY CONTINUE HABIT TO SPITE "POMPOUS DILDOS"

Richmond, VA- A study released today by the FDA found that a majority of cigarette smokers do, in fact, want to quit, but are reluctant to do so because of various anti-smoking campaigns that they view as "bullshit". Dr. Allen Taters revealed the surprise felt by the researchers at the results of their study: "Contrary to previous belief, many of the smokers we interviewed did actually know that smoking was bad for them. This is a huge revelation, since most of the anti-smoking work done up to this point has been based on the assumption that smokers were just ignorant hicks who didn't know what was good for them, and that our role was to enlighten them on the advances made in medical and social circles in the last fifty years. We were quite taken aback, and these findings have the potential to completly upend the ways in which we go about imposing our values on other people!"
Many smokers have a strong desire to quit smoking and kick their nicotene addiction, but refuse to on personal or moral grounds. Harry LeGrange, a smoker of 15 years and participant in the study, spoke on behalf of area smokers: "Of course we want to quit! You think we enjoy the detrimental health effects, the inability to climb flights of stairs, the hundreds of dollars we spend, the constant smell of refuse clinging to our clothes and hair? Unfortunately, we have to continue this destructive habit because of them." By "them" Mr. LeGrange was referring to the anti-smoking campaigns and activists, who he claimed were "pompous dildoes who wanted to control those they thought were too stupid to make their own choices about their personal lifestyle".
Numerous other smokers agreed with Mr. LeGrange's assessment. One smoker credited "Truth" (the organization known for its orange color scheme and nauseatingly confrontational commercial ads) as her primary reason for not quitting. One teenager remarked that a school assembly featuring a "Smoke Out" theme aimed at making it look cool to not smoke was the trigger that got her smoking in the first place. The study also found that most people found smoking to be "much cooler" than quitting, and 90% of those polled responded positively to suggestions about kicking anti-smoking activists in the genitals.

Tuesday

LOCAL GIRL ADMITS THAT HIGH-SCHOOL QUARTERBACK DANNY FITZPATRICK IS, IN FACT, TOO GOOD FOR HER

Hickory, NC- Local high-school student Sarah Winters announced today at lunch that her long time crush Danny Fitzpatrick, the quarter back of the the school's football team, was, after all, too good for her. Confirming Winter's creeping suspicions about her own inadequacy, Fitzpatrick had no idea who she was at Jimmy Putnam's party last Saturday evening. When approached by an intoxicated Ms. Winter's about his performance in the game earlier that day, Mr. Fitzpatrick had this to say:

"Oh yeah, thanks Jenny. Great party, huh? Can I get you another beer?"

Fearing further embarrassment, Ms. Winter's went along as if nothing had happened, and responded to the name "Jenny" for the remainder of the party. After witnessing Fitzpatrick engaging in a public display of affection with "that slut" Amy Adams, Ms. Winter's downed the rest of her beer and sought out ex-boyfriend, and well documented "sleaze ball," Sam Carr for an exchange of oral sex in the bathroom.

STUDY FINDS THAT PRESENCE OF BAKED GOODS INCREASES WORKER PRODUCTIVITY/ REDUCES EMPLOYEE HOSTILITY

Philadelphia, PA- A study released today by the Hershey Consulting Group found that the presence of freshly baked treats in and around the workplace increased worker productivity and was also shown to correlate to more positive feelings toward authority figures. In a clinical trial, the group placed a plate of freshly baked cookies wrapped in saran wrap on the desk of Stan McDermit, the employer at a local photocopy shop. McDermit, who regularly finds obscene drawings of his wife in the bathroom and threatening messages left on his computer, was instructed not to touch or even acknowledge the cookies, and to continue about his business as usual. Hoping to attract his attention, and thus gain one or two of the moist, steaming cookies, employees of the company showed an unusual amount of enthusiasm for their jobs, and proved to be extremely friendly and helpful with regards to their usually despised boss. Interestingly, the longer the time the cookies were not offered to the employees, the more productive they became, almost frantically so, in hopes to score one before the boss left for the day. After distributing the tasty, tasty morsels at the end of the workday, the study was judged a success as McDermit found his tires unslashed and did not receive any calls in the middle of the night only to hear labored breathing to his repeated requests for the caller to identify him or herself.