NATIONAL NEWS
OLD MAN TELLS INTERESTING STORY
OLD MAN TELLS INTERESTING STORY
Cleveland, OH- 73 year old Jerry Munster made headlines today by telling a story to his teenage grandson that was actually interesting. Munster, who has a long track record of rambling, tangential tales about his many years as an insurance agent at the local Farm Bureau Insurance Co. branch, gained interest while discussing a trip south of the border. While his grandson, Timothy Munster, typically manages to listen politely, thanks to his frequent use of cannabis, to his grandfather's yarns about ornery customers and errors in paperwork that caused "such a fuss", he had begun to grow tired recently of pretending to care.
"I can usually space out and look like I'm engaged in the conversation, you know, although I guess i don't really have to look like anything because his glaucoma's gotten pretty bad recently. But over the last couple of weeks I just find myself giving less and less of a shit about whatever he's talking about! Today, though, today was something special."
Expecting another story from the workplace, Timothy Munster was surprised when the elder Munster launched into a detailed depiction of his 1968 trip to Mexico for an insurance conference. Highlights of the trip, according to Mr. Munster, included copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine consumption, gambling on "high-stakes cock fights," and "as many hookers as you could order." The story also included a graphic description of the best way to smuggle narcotics over the U.S./Mexican border in a human rectum.
The younger Munster had this to say about his grandfather's first interesting story: "I was blown away, absolutely astounded. I mean, for once I actually cared about what he was saying. It was a great bonding moment for us, you know, two different generations of my family coming together. Really heartwarming stuff." Mr. Munster expressed his excited anticipation of his grandfather's next tale, about his company vacation to the Phillippines in the 1980's.
"I can usually space out and look like I'm engaged in the conversation, you know, although I guess i don't really have to look like anything because his glaucoma's gotten pretty bad recently. But over the last couple of weeks I just find myself giving less and less of a shit about whatever he's talking about! Today, though, today was something special."
Expecting another story from the workplace, Timothy Munster was surprised when the elder Munster launched into a detailed depiction of his 1968 trip to Mexico for an insurance conference. Highlights of the trip, according to Mr. Munster, included copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine consumption, gambling on "high-stakes cock fights," and "as many hookers as you could order." The story also included a graphic description of the best way to smuggle narcotics over the U.S./Mexican border in a human rectum.
The younger Munster had this to say about his grandfather's first interesting story: "I was blown away, absolutely astounded. I mean, for once I actually cared about what he was saying. It was a great bonding moment for us, you know, two different generations of my family coming together. Really heartwarming stuff." Mr. Munster expressed his excited anticipation of his grandfather's next tale, about his company vacation to the Phillippines in the 1980's.
TEXAS WOMAN SURPRISED THAT MEN STARE AT HER CLEAVAGE
Dallas, TX- Erica Irving was shocked to discover today that men of all ages and backgrounds were ogling her excessive amount of cleavage. Wearing a slim fitting, low cut tank-top and a brightly colored push up bra, Ms. Irving was out for a day of shopping at the local mall when she noticed groups of men staring and pointing at her massive milk balloons. Several of the men could even be heard to be making comments, such as "Hey pretty baby, them pillow parts are getting my blood pumping," and "The twins are out for a stroll huh?" Ms. Irving, a size DD, was shocked and offended at some of the remarks: "I just couldn't believe those men were behaving like such animals! I mean, if I want to go out in public and reveal 85% of my supple bosoms, that's my business. They don't have no right to be looking at these glorious cans." Several gentleman at the mall responded to questions posed by Alpha Male News about their behavior towards Ms. Irving and her supple, supple life-nourishing fun bags, though most of their responses were either incoherent or just a repeated mumbling of obscenities as they recalled the image of the breasts in question. Ms. Irving says that she has no plans to change her wardrobe or her behavior, claiming that it's not her fault that her titties are so exposed, it's the fault of the men for being biologically obligated to stare.
WORLD NEWS
THE MIDDLE EAST: Hot and everyone wants to kill everyone.
SOUTH AMERICA: Steamy, steamy jungles full of drugs, still.
CANADA: Who gives a fuck?
EUROPE: A bunch of crybabies who need U.S. to help them out of a jam, again.
CHINA: Getting too big for its britches, due for a sharp flick in the tiny, tiny testicles.
AUSTRALIA: More bad-ass than us, but kangaroos planted by the CIA keep them in check.
INDIA: Food is too spicy and can't be understood over the phone when computer breaks.
GREAT BRITAIN: Pale, snaggle-toothed cousins of U.S. are still bitching and moaning about everything.
AFRICA: Shiny stuff in the ground causes bloodshed.
SOUTH AMERICA: Steamy, steamy jungles full of drugs, still.
CANADA: Who gives a fuck?
EUROPE: A bunch of crybabies who need U.S. to help them out of a jam, again.
CHINA: Getting too big for its britches, due for a sharp flick in the tiny, tiny testicles.
AUSTRALIA: More bad-ass than us, but kangaroos planted by the CIA keep them in check.
INDIA: Food is too spicy and can't be understood over the phone when computer breaks.
GREAT BRITAIN: Pale, snaggle-toothed cousins of U.S. are still bitching and moaning about everything.
AFRICA: Shiny stuff in the ground causes bloodshed.
A SPECIAL REPORT ON YEMEN
YEMEN- It's gonna get fucked, real hard.
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