Tuesday

LOCAL GIRL ADMITS THAT HIGH-SCHOOL QUARTERBACK DANNY FITZPATRICK IS, IN FACT, TOO GOOD FOR HER

Hickory, NC- Local high-school student Sarah Winters announced today at lunch that her long time crush Danny Fitzpatrick, the quarter back of the the school's football team, was, after all, too good for her. Confirming Winter's creeping suspicions about her own inadequacy, Fitzpatrick had no idea who she was at Jimmy Putnam's party last Saturday evening. When approached by an intoxicated Ms. Winter's about his performance in the game earlier that day, Mr. Fitzpatrick had this to say:

"Oh yeah, thanks Jenny. Great party, huh? Can I get you another beer?"

Fearing further embarrassment, Ms. Winter's went along as if nothing had happened, and responded to the name "Jenny" for the remainder of the party. After witnessing Fitzpatrick engaging in a public display of affection with "that slut" Amy Adams, Ms. Winter's downed the rest of her beer and sought out ex-boyfriend, and well documented "sleaze ball," Sam Carr for an exchange of oral sex in the bathroom.

STUDY FINDS THAT PRESENCE OF BAKED GOODS INCREASES WORKER PRODUCTIVITY/ REDUCES EMPLOYEE HOSTILITY

Philadelphia, PA- A study released today by the Hershey Consulting Group found that the presence of freshly baked treats in and around the workplace increased worker productivity and was also shown to correlate to more positive feelings toward authority figures. In a clinical trial, the group placed a plate of freshly baked cookies wrapped in saran wrap on the desk of Stan McDermit, the employer at a local photocopy shop. McDermit, who regularly finds obscene drawings of his wife in the bathroom and threatening messages left on his computer, was instructed not to touch or even acknowledge the cookies, and to continue about his business as usual. Hoping to attract his attention, and thus gain one or two of the moist, steaming cookies, employees of the company showed an unusual amount of enthusiasm for their jobs, and proved to be extremely friendly and helpful with regards to their usually despised boss. Interestingly, the longer the time the cookies were not offered to the employees, the more productive they became, almost frantically so, in hopes to score one before the boss left for the day. After distributing the tasty, tasty morsels at the end of the workday, the study was judged a success as McDermit found his tires unslashed and did not receive any calls in the middle of the night only to hear labored breathing to his repeated requests for the caller to identify him or herself.