National News
GUY MOUTHS WORDS TO HIS HARDCORE MUSIC AT THE GYM, GETS OVATION
Trenton, NJ- A round of applause arose in Gold's Gym here today after an uplifting rendition of Papa Roach's "Last Resort" was mouthed almost inaudibly while being blared from earbuds by Jake Tontonia, 25. Tontonia, who enjoys wearing tattered tanktops and baggy athletic pants to highlight his physical attributes at the gym and typically blares his iPod so that it is clearly audible by the rest of the gym goers, lipsycned with vigor today, even adding a few emphatic head bangs while watching himself in the mirror. Onlookers who were at first perturbed and annoyed by Tontonia's aggressive behavior, soon found themselves laughing and pointing from the doorway as the performance progressed. The considerable crowd was thrilled with the occasional exertion grunt, something Tontonia claims he picked up while attending Tae-Kwon-Do lessons as a "badass little fucker" and roared with laughter as he flexed for himself in the mirror. Sherry Lane described her reaction to the performance: "He's really astonishing. The way he can simultaneously lift weights and recite emo lyrics in a low, rapist whisper to himself is art at its finest." Upon finishing his set and song, Tontonia was surprised to find a packed hallway of cheering onlookers. Regarding this as an affront to his masculinity and obvious physcial dominance, and dredging up some hurtful memories of his conquered speech impediment, Tontonia stormed out of the gym vowing revenge. He reiterated the seriousness of his message in the parking lot by revving the engine of his suuped up Honda Civic and doing a 2 second burnout as he turned onto the main street which, he hoped, would "shut all those pussy-haters up."
DEFENDANT GETS REDUCED SENTANCE THANKS TO CLASSIC ARGUMENT
Tallahassee, FL- Facing 25 years to life in prison for the murder of three circus employees, Lawrence Ovis managed to mount a successful defense and get a reduced sentance of 10 years in a maximum security prison. Ovis, who has described the night in question as "a card game with a couple of travelin carnie's gone south," was charged with the murders of Samuel Morey (Tuggles the Clown), Jerry Toms (Rondo the Clown), and Wesely Wells (midget) in December 2008 in which Ovis accused the three men of cheating him during the card game, drew his .45 automatic pistol, and reportedly exclaimed "I ain't gonna be cheated by no goddamn chuckle fuckers and especially not by no midget!" before opening fire and killing all three. Ovis then attempted to flee the scene in the victim's vehicle, but was quickly apprehended by police since the maximum speed of most clown cars is only 20 mph.
In court, though, Ovis showed more finesse. When asked for a statement of guilt by the judge, Ovis replied "I know you are but what I am I?" Befuddled, Judge Sarah Haynes called for a short recess to confer with the two lead counsels. Finding no legal precedent prohibiting the use of this defense, the State of Florida was forced to try and build a case against Ovis statement. After nearly two years and thousands of playground interviews, the prosecution has conceded the victory to Mr. Ovis, declaring in a statement today that "While incontrovertably guilty of these horrendous crimes, the defendant has managed to argue his case with the highest capability, his case against ours proving insurmountable. After several years of dedicated work, we must admit that there truly is no argument to made against the defense."
Alpha Male News was permitted an interview with Mr. Ovis in his cell at the Florida Maximum Security Penitentiary, but could not obtain any answer from him to questions other than "I know you are but what am I?" Before leaving, and after hours of receiving nothing but "I know you are but what am I?" from Mr. Ovis, the reporter slipped the guard a fifty dollar bill and told him to "Give him the old Shawshank Redemption," referring to the 1994 film directed by Frank Darabont based on the novel by Stephen King.
THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!
I VLOE SAIAN MOEWN!*
*Answer revealed on Monday
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