AFTER ONE WILD NEW YEARS' EVE PARTY, THE ALPHA MALE NEWS STAFF FINALLY POSTS BAIL AND RESUMES PUBLISHING NEWS
Cozumel, Mexico- As many of you may have noticed, the Alpha Male News team has been conspicuously absent the past month and several days. The cause of this hiatus was due to a New Year's Eve office party that quickly got out of hand, involving copious amounts of Jagermeister, nude thrash dancing, gambling on cock-fights, and at least three dead. By the time local police responded to noise complaints, the situation was well out of hand. So, we've spent the last several weeks learning the laws of the jungle in prison life and negotiating an economy which uses cigarettes as its main currency, and with no access to internet most days (and the days we had it we had to send frantic messages for help to relatives back in the United States) we were not able to update the news. For that, and to the citizens of Cozumel, we are truly sorry. But, we're back and we've now learned our lesson! Here's to a news filled 2011!
COURT RULES THE TERM"HONKEY" NO LONGER OFFENSIVE TO WHITE PEOPLE
Richmond, VA- In an emotional ruling today, the Virginia's high court ruled in favor of the defendants Ronald Green and Sammy Leeks who reportedly used the term "honkey" in a conversation at a Starbucks last year and we're charged with a hate crime by the Starbuck's political correctness police (SPCP). Appealing the charges, Green and Leeks claimed that they had not been referring to white people, of which they are included, but were instead discussing circus clowns, to whom the term has been applied inrecent years. The use of the term "honkey" as a derogatory term for white people has been out of vogue for decades, the defendants claimed, and that circus clowns, who legally have no rights, were the new group designated by the slightly humorous, and largely unoffensive, term. In his decision, Judge Dredd of Virginia's supreme court wrote that "No one, especially white people in today's society, is offended by, or even remembers what the original meaning of the term "honkey" is. The fact that it is now applied to a group of facepainted transients who frighten and anger the majority of the population is something that should come as no surprise to anyone. These people do, in fact, employ horns and other instruments that do "honk". Since the days of Bozo, the clown community in this country has taken a turn for the worst, and it would be fair to term them something much worse than "honkey's"; like America's gypsy's for instance." The ruling deals a huge blow to the clown community's fight for acknowledgment and rights. The advocacy group "Clowns United to Negate Tyranny" released this statment following the announcement: "Wakka Wakka!"
(A "Honkey" representing C.U.N.T at the trial.)
MAN COMMITS SUICIDE BECAUSE OF TANGLED HEADPHONES
Los Angeles, CA- Sherman McDowell took his life outside of an Apple store here in L.A. late yesterday afternoon. He shot himself using a .45 pistol after attempting to untangle his ear-bud headphones made by Skull Candy Inc., which became hopelessly tangled in his pocket throughout the day. Onlookers reported McDowell struggled to straiten out the interwoven cords for over an hour before shouting that "this shit is harder than a rubix cube! Everytime I want to listen to Maroon 5 while walking I cant, because these little demons tie themselves tighter than a Boy Scout knot! I can't live like this. Goodbye, cruel Apple...." The incident involving Mr. McDowell follows a recent trend in headphone cord tangling related suicides. Many claim they can't see how the universe could be ordered by a benevolent deity if such disorder and frustrating tangles could exist in their very pocket.
