The Sunday Male: December 19, 2010

PALIN CONTINUES TO PLEASE CROWDS WITH COMEDY TOUR AND SHOW

Anchorage, AK- Since the 2008 presidential election, crowds have been flocking to hear Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska perform, buying up her books, and staying tuned to her TV appearances with the fervor of religious zealots. Mrs. Palin has effectively become the country's funniest and most successful comedians within a matter of two years and a relentless touring schedule. With a humor that blends outrageous political statements and ideas with a "dumb blonde" tone and delivery, and even a few bear jokes, Mrs. Palin has been splitting the sides of Americans from California to Florida. Alpha Male News caught up a few comedy club goers after seeing Palin perform, where they told us that "She's by far the funniest woman in America. I mean that whole bit about the grizzly bears and her Obama jokes, they kill me every time." Palin has quickly grabbed attention and plans to continue her comedy career by appearing at rally's and comedy clubs throughout the country. Comedy Central is also planning to air the next Tea Party Rally as a stand up comedy special, providing Mrs. Palin's humorous antics with a wider audience.

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!

I VEOL EPURIVNA MOWEN!*

*answer revealed in Monday's Male

Wednesday December 15, 2010

VOYAGER 1 REACHES OUTER LIMITS OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, FINDS THAT SPACE SUCKS

(Contrary to NASA's hopes, the probe has not gotten to battle any aliens or meteors)

Houston, TX- NASA reported this week that the Voyager 1 probe, launched over 30 years ago, will be leaving the solar system within the next 4 years. The probe has sent back remarkable pictures of the planets and their moons and will soon be sending back data on the farthest reaches of space explored to date. Dan Fitzwilliams, press officer for NASA, summarized the significance of the Voyager 1 mission: "This probe, launched in 1977, has allowed us to find out more about our solar system than ever thought possible, and will soon be telling us about what lies beyond. On the whole, however, much of the information sent back by the Voyager 1 has indicated that space, in fact, sucks. It's cold, dark, empty, and terribly lonely. There are no sweet aliens to fight or learn from, there are no asteroids poised to crash land into Earth and infect the planet with deadly alien viruses, and there are no evil talking computers or portals to other dimensions. Quite frankly, space is boring." Dr. Fitzwilliams stressed the research teams at NASA are not hopeful that anything of interest will be found by the Voyager once it passes out of the sun's influence and into interstellar space. "Probably just more vast expanses of cold, black nothingness," according to Fitzwilliams. The findings of the Voyager probe corroborate evidence found by California researchers last month of an "alien" bacterium that could use arsenic in its metabolic processes rather than phosphorus, news which also point to the fact that space is a big boring piece of poop.

ANSWER TO SUNDAY'S WORD JUMBLE!

*I LOVE BRAZILIAN WOMEN

The Sunday Male: December 12, 2010

TEENAGER SMOKES MARIJUANA, HAS GREAT TIME WITH FEW SIDE EFFECTS

Grand Rapids, MI- 16 year old Michael Donnelly and two of his friends reportedly had an "awesome" time yesterday afternoon after acquiring one gram of marijuana from Donnelly's older brother. The three teens used a novelty corncob pipe they purchased at a gas station to consume the cannabis, and weren't entirely sure what to expect. Harry Stevenson, one of the participants, reported feelings of nervousness before they lit up: "I was pretty nervous actually. I'd seen people smoke pot in movies and on TV, and it looked like it would be pretty fun. But then I'd heard all kinds of bad things about it from my parents, from my school, and of course Officer DARE back in middle school. So I was pretty confused about what it was actually going to be like. But it turned out to be sweet. Really sweet." The trio of wanna-be stoners rode their Huffy bikes to the deserted lot behind their old elementary school to toke up. After inhaling all three went into violent coughing spasms, but soon found themselves giggling uncontrollably. After Donnelly quote "started doing this robot dance thing and making beeping noises" they all fell over laughing in the knee high grass. They friends reiterated several times how much they loved each other and at some point got out an iphone to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Listening to "Californication," the teens laughed at funny cloud shapes and then got into a "really, really deep conversation" about "God and stuff". After a few hours, the effects reportedly wore off and the three were able to return home to eat an entire box of Captain Crunch cereal with Crunchberries.

(The three friends plan to get more devil's lettuce and "schmoke it up again")

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!!!

I VLOE ZRABLIANI MWONE!!*

*answer revealed in Monday's Male

Friday December 10, 2010

DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS REACH TAX DEAL IN CONGRESS, AGREE TO SCREW AMERICANS TOGETHER

Washington, D.C.- On Capital Hill today, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle announced the largest bipartisan deal in decades. Speaking together in the rotunda, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell declared that a deal on new tax legislation had been reached between the two parties, one which had somehow managed to win the support of 100% of both houses of Congress. Ms. Pelosi spoke to a crowd of reporters, describing the new tax legislation as "a major accomplishment for America's lawmakers. Finally, after all the squabbling and bickering and political titty-twisting, Republicans and Democrats have found a common goal around which we can all gather. Putting the ideological differences we learned from outdated books in prestigious universities aside, we have discovered a common interest in royally screwing the American citizen at every possible opportunity." Shaking hands, hugging, and even sneaking a few ass grabs in occasionally, the oligarchy of the nation congratulated themselves on a job well done for their personal and class interests. Senator McConnell, echoing Ms. Pelosi's views, had this to say: "It's taken some time, but we've finally realized that we were really working towards the same end this whole time. Both parties have finally come to their senses and agreed to work together to become the most ineffectual, unfeeling, and pointless governing body in the land. Our differences are negligible compared to our shared passion for swindling the American populace, who we all mutually regard as filthy rabble to be sedated periodically so that we may retain our lives of power and luxury. This is truly a great day for America!" Response from the White House came as President Obama travels to another insignificant East Asian nation where his agenda and influence will be rebuffed by a corrupt leader. In a statement from Air Force One the president said that he was "quite out of touch with what is actually happening in Congress, as with most of America," but that he "is still very, very optimistic that things will pan out the way he wants them to."

(Mr. Boehner and Ms. Pelosi on their way to the press conference)

Thursday December 9, 2010

NATIONAL NEWS

FDA WARNS OF SALMONELLA OUTBREAK IN BRUSSEL SPROUT CROP, NO ONE AFFECTED

(Seriously, what the fuck is that?)

Topeka, KS- The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they were issuing a "Code Don't Eat This" on the nation's brussel sprout crop because of a possible salmonella outbreak. While bacterial infections of the U.S. supplies of chicken and broccoli have, in the past, raised some alarm, very few people around the country seemed to be upset or to even care about the news. Martha Bigsby, a vegetarian, had this to say: "To be honest, I don't even know what brussel sprouts are. I mean, I survive on nothing but vegetables and I don't even eat the damn things. If I don't know what it is or where it comes from, it isn't going in my body!" Citing their bitter flavor and questionable texture, most Americans avoid consuming the noxious veggie, while some Americans have labeled them as "evil". Some wonder if the salmonella would "spice" things up, making the vegetable more palatable, though by all accounts the FDA does not endorse using harmful bacterium as a garnish.

MAN WEARING TRANSITIONS LENSES GETS LAID

(Transitions Lenses: for those wanting the Euro-Fag look)

Miami, FL- Defying all expectations and expert predictions, Jim Tindle, 46, did manage to get laid while wearing Transitions Lenses. Tindle, a practicing optometrist in the area, was thrilled when the Transitions technology was introduced into the market over 6 years ago: "It really is a marvel of modern science. I mean, they are clear, regular glasses when I'm inside, and then when I step outside, they instantly transform into these awesome sunglasses that protect my eyes from the harmful rays out there. I've just been thrilled with them. Plus they're so stylish." While Transitions technology has been acclaimed for its fulfillment of its stated purpose of "transitioning" from regular eye glasses to sun glasses when introduced to sunlight, an advance many nerds have have been seeking for years, a number of complaints have been raised regarding the lenses' side-effect of warding of would be mates for the wearer. Some cite the fact that after the wearer returns indoors, it sometimes takes up to 15 minutes for the lenses to transition again, leaving them looking awkward and out of place with their creepily darkened eyes in a perfectly well-lit room. Some studies have shown that as few as 5% of Transitions Lens wearers had gotten pussy since switching to the new technology. Mr. Tindle's rendezvous comes as a huge shock to much of the glasses wearing and eye care world, though, admittedly, the results are a bit skewed as the person he did have sexual relations with was a young German male.

Wednesday December 8, 3010

PUNY HUMAN RESISTANCE MOVEMENT SWIFTLY CRUSHED BY VULTORB, SUPREME RULER OF THE GALAXY

(Video footage of the slaughter will be made available to all those who would consider challenging Vultorb's reign)

Earth- A small and insignifcant resistance movement mounted by the human species today was quickly quelled, its leaders executed, and all its bases, supplies, and supporters decimated, according to a press statement provided by Vultorb's elite robot army. Rallying the tattered remains of humanity around the cause of survival and the threat of extermination, the humans rallied a sizeable force on their former homer planet of Earth. They managed to overthrow their robot enslavers for a brief time, suffering heavy losses and significant causualties, and declared Earth to be "Free from the chains of the evil Vultorb once and for all! We will not perish under the control of such a creature! Humanity is free!" The all powerful Vultorb, the supreme being of the universe, quickly dispatched a squadron of enforcer 'bots to remove the thorn from his intergalactic side. Slaughtering thousands, the enforcer bots regained control of Earth in a matter of minutes and declared Earth to be "Once again under the benevolent and reassuring control of all powerful Vultorb, all hail him!" Sparing a few survivors for scientific study, the robot conquerers then left the now desolate planet to return home to Omicron Vega 7, where they will be featured in a victory parade set for this Saturday afternoon. Video footage of the rebels being maimed and mutilated will be shown on the big screen after the parade as a warning to all those who would dare threaten Vultorb's reign.

(All Hail Our Supreme Leader Vultorb, May He Rain Forever)

Tuesday December 7, 2010

JARRING HEADLINE EXAGGERATES DETAILS, GRABS READERS' ATTENTION

Detroit, MI- Sarah Hendricks, a mid-level paper pusher with Paper Pushing Inc. LLC, found herself distracted from a project she was working on after checking her favorite newspaper's website. Hendricks quickly found herself enveloped in an exaggerated account of a domestic disturbance in rural Iowa. Describing her ordeal, Mrs. Hendricks had this to say: "I didn't even see it coming. I mean, I was just perusing the headlines to make sure that another war or terrorist attack hadn't happened while I was working and the next thing I know I'm scrolling through three pages of this thing. But it wasn't my fault! I mean, honestly, who wouldn't click on a headline like "Male Midget Attempts to Steal Priceless Picasso Painting, Foiled By Immigrant Orphan Baby!'?" Mrs. Hendricks found the story so compelling that she reportedly copied the link and emailed it to her mother, her brother, her nephews, her husband, and her cousin whom she has maintained a close relationship with despite the one Christmas where it got weird, with a title line that read "OMG, Must Read!". The majority of the recipients deleted the email without reading it, because they were "Too busy to read one more interesting tid-bit of news from Sarah," the exception being her cousin John, who still holds a deeply repressed taboo lust for his second cousin.


(John Hendricks, second cousin of Sarah, reportedly regrets the 2007 Christmas gathering where he drank too much spiced cider and cornered Sarah, remarking "how funny it would be if we lived like two centuries ago when cousins getting married wasn't out of the ordinary".)

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION TURN UGLY FOR SOME AMERICANS

Washington, D.C- Following a rash of reports documenting cases of verbal harassment against physically unattractive or obese couples across the country by more attractive and trim hecklers, the Senate today organized a committee to look into the matter and advise on possible legislation to curtail the new trend. Often referred to as "Hog Yodeling," "Blubber Blasting," or "Ghostbusting", the practice involves groups of young, white, males shouting obscenities at overweight or disfigured couples, often remarking on their obvious physical handicaps and unsightly features, including man-boobs, hair lips, blindingly pale skin, and horrible, horrible hunchbacks. One self-described "hog-yodeler" explained why he and his friends participated in such a barbaric act: "It's gross. Honestly, would you want to watch two sweaty, fat people get it on in public? No! It's not that we're making fun of the way they look for the fun of it, we're just making fun of the fact that they have found love, something which we firmly believe should be the exclusive right of good looking, athletic people." An initial hearing of the Senate committee on HOFUP (Harassment of Fat and Ugly People) condemned the practice outright as "monstrous, cruel, and inhumane". Supporters of HOFUP then produced photographic evidence of what they were protesting against, which caused several senators to vomit into their laps, and quickly swayed the hearing room to their side. Even some of the victims had a change of heart: "I had no idea what we were doing. I mean, Jesus, it's like watching two bean bags get mushed together with Vaseline. I understand these boys now... oh, I think I'm going to be sick," said Barry Hoff, who was recently "Blubber Busted" by several HOFUP members after kissing his wife with tongue in the Wal-Mart check out line.

(Honestly, is this worthy of human affection?)

Monday December 6, 2010

WORLD NEWS

POLICE ARREST LEADER OF CHILD PICK-POCKETING RING IN LONDON

(Fagin and two of his "boys" who were reportedly

trained in the fine arts of pick-pocketing, as well as

smoking and drinking.)

London- British authorities announced today that they had successfully completed an undercover sting of a child pick-pocketing ring in London yesterday, arresting the leader and mastermind of the criminal organization, known only as Fagin. Police here said that the operation has been ongoing since early 2009, with an undercover agent, or "mole", being planted in the criminal ring. The codename of the operative was released to the press following the arrest as "O. Twist". Chief Inspecter Charles Danville described the success of the operation: "After a long and complex investigation, and thanks to the heroism of our undercover agent, we have finally been able to crack this sordid ring of petty thieves and larcenists and make the proper arrests to put an end to the snatching of wallets from petticoats in the market square. Mr. Fagin will not see the outside of a prison for a very long time." Describing the sting as a success, however, was qualified by the fact that informants have revealed that the ring goes deeper than Fagin, tracing it back to a man identified as Bill Sikes, a notorious scoundrel. Police have issued a warrent for Mr. Sikes' arrest, with charges including aggravated assault, child abuse, and animal cruelty. Police are hoping for information about Mr. Sikes' wherabouts from Mr. Fagin, who faces life in a debtor's prison. When asked about his possible sentance, Mr. Fagin had this to say: "Innocent I am! It was all William Sikes it was!"

[William (Bill) Sikes, seen here in a 19th century etching]

ANSWER TO SUNDAY'S WORD JUMBLE!

*I LOVE CUBAN WOMEN!

The Sunday Male: December 5, 2010

WORLD NEWS

CHINA RAPIDLY GAINING ON U.S. IN RACE FOR WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE

Shanghai, China- Crowds here today celebrated the announcement by the World Asshole Monitoring Organization, a nonprofit that tracks developments by bigger countries acting like douchebags to the rest of the world, that China has recently matched the United States in its "shit on everyone else" policies. While the United States has a much longer history of not giving a fuck what everyone thinks, the up and coming superpower in the East has taken progressively larger steps to make its presence obnoxiously felt on a larger, global scale. Seth Greenstone, director of WAMO, described some of the factors he considered integral to China's recent gains: "There have been several key decisions and events that contributed to China's rapid development into one of the world's biggest assholes. Obviously, Tiananmen Square was what really got the world's attention, and established them as a major player. In the past year, though, things like denouncing President Obama's meeting with the Dali Lama, which is only just a part of their continued persecution of one of the world's most revered spiritual leaders, and condemning the Nobel Committee's awarding the Peace Prize to a man they've had imprisoned for over 10 years were total dick moves. Most recently, the fact that they are manipulating their currency at everyone else's expense has been a huge asshole thing to do." While the announcement gave many Chinese supporters excitement, WAMO was sure to note that the U.S. has not completely relinquished their role as leading asshole. In the past year they have made sure to stay in the game by talking shit about anyone and everyone in the diplomatic world through released diplomatic cables and making sure to sack-tap the Middle East on a daily basis. The report also showed that France and Italy are still the world's biggest pussies.

EDITORIALS

By: Eric Bowles and Alan Simpson (co-chairs of Pres. Obama's Deficit Commission)-

Hey America: we're out of fucking money! Because you spent it all on stupid crap, now we're going to have to start saving money and not eating out at Applebee's every night of the friggin week! We don't want to hear any boo-hooin over the budget cuts we've outlined, if you spend all your money on a new pair of shoes then you can't get a skirt on top of it, alright? Use some common sense. A Shoney's paycheck will not cover a flat screen!

By: President Barack Obama-

Don't worry America, I'm still doing a great job. There's nothing to worry about; sure we're going to have some ups and downs, some posturing, but at the end of the day I'm still right and I'm still doing a better job than the Republicans who gave me all of my problems.

By: Mark Twain-

Read my new autobiography, in stores now. It's funnier than a racist caricature rendered in a Southern dialect!

THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!

I VELO BUCAN MNOEW!*

*answer revealed in Monday's Male

Friday December 3 & Saturday December 4, 2010

NATIONAL NEWS

U.S. LOSES 2022 WORLD CUP BID TO TINY MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY, ACTS LIKE IT DIDN'T CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE

("Cutter. Where the fuck is it anyway? Exactly." - Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary)

Washington, D.C.- FIFA, the world's soccer government, announced this week that the location of the 2022 World Cup tournament would be in Qatar, not the United States, news that has left many Americans disappointed, but not that disappointed. Following the general trend of the past 50 years, most Americans don't actually give a shit about soccer, especially when compared to the national pastimes of baseball, basketball, and football, and the location of the sport's biggest tournament is something that most don't lose sleep over. However, due to an inherent competitiveness in the American spirit the general public grew mildly irritated when informed of the fact that their country had lost the chance to host the event in 2022 to the tiny middle eastern country of Qatar. With promises of remarkable green technology able to cool the proposed stadiums from the blistering desert heat, and the fact that no world organization wants to be seen as favoring the United States over more fashionably oriental nations, Qatar secured the votes of the FIFA electors. With a stiff upper lip, Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, had this to say: "We lost the bid to a desert country that no one can place on a map... So? Who cares? We didn't even want to host their stupid soccer games in the first place, we were just trying to be nice. Our military could still beat the shit out of theirs!" Towards the end of the press conference Gibbs became noticeably upset and sniffed loudly several times, wiping his nose with his sleeve, while he proclaimed not to have been effected by the news, and that "soccer is for homos and African people anyway," obviously attempting to distract from his hurt feelings and pride.

Thursday December 2, 2010

RUSSIAN LEADERS REVEALED TO BE CRIME-FIGHTING DUO

Moscow, Russia- The diplomatic world has been shaken up recently as a result of the massive leak of diplomatic cables by the site Wikileaks. But none has shocked the international community as much as one released this week that reveals the secret identity of the beloved crime-fighters Batman and Robin to be none other than Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev. While details of how the two manage to balance a full schedule of running a country and international diplomacy with nightly rooftop patrols, forensic investigations, and tangling with villains such as the Joker and Two-Face remain unclear, many pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place since the news broke. Prime Minister Putin does fit the traditional characterization of the dark knight as a cold, brooding, and troubled individual with vast amounts of disposable income and a great physique. His intermittent disappearances from the world and national stage in Russia can explain the time he spends rescuing police commissioners and their extended families from acid vats. Medvedev's relationship with his predecessor also fits the description of the dynamic duo, with the President often deferring to Putin's sage wisdom and years of experience in diplomatic and hand to hand combat matters. The Russian landscape itself has begun to closely resemble the fictional city of Gotham as well, with corrupt officials taking bribes and employing mafia organizations to handle their "dirty work,"overcrowded prison systems with an exceptionally high escape rate, violent crime on the rise, and generally looking dark and dreary. Current circumstance have left many Russian citizens asking for a hero. Fortunately, they got two. The recent revelation of a world leader/ superhero pair has left many analysts wondering about the possibility of President Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden secretly being the interracial duo of Captain America and the Falcon.

(At least one witness has described the Falcon as shouting "Yes we can!" before apprehending a group of bank robbers)

Wednesday December 1, 2010

FRENCH, ITALIAN, GREEK YOUTH RIOTING TO PROTEST RIOTING

Rome, Italy- Students here took to the streets overnight to protest the growing number of protests in their country. Armed with rocks and connolis, the Italian youths clashed with the city's riot police as well as other rioters who were already protesting on the streets because of a government proposed plan for its citizens to actually work for their comfortable lifestyles. Alfonzo Spaghetti, a local merchant caught in the midst of the confrontations, described the scene: "It'sa giante cluster-fucka of bitching anda moaning!" Police eventually subdued the typically lethargic crowd using batons and marina sauce hoses. Three police officers were treated at the local hospital for minor wounds while 2 protesters reported having their feelings hurt. Today's latest riots come on the heels of a season in which Europe has seen its whiny population take to the streets more frequently to have its voice heard. Paris, France, in particular, has become known as the "City of Riot Police Light." Hurling molotov cocktails and baguettes, French students earlier this month clashed with heavily armed police squads to express their displeasure at everything not going their way. This group of protesters was soon joined by another group of violent rioters who, after seeing that their streets were filled with dissatisfied citizens, took to the streets to riot in protest of the protest riots. Jean-Luk Pierre, a student at L'ecole d'Etudes in Paris described the crowds motivations: "Ve are le sick and le tired of the governmont asking uzz to be productive citizens! Paying monie to go to school? What a le joke!" Many analysts attribute the increase in public unrest to changes in social and occupational expectations as a result of the economic crisis, with governments hoping for citizens to rationally understand that everyone has to accept difficult choices in the face of harder times. Unfortunately, that has not been the case throughout most of Europe. Dr. Peter Gassling, of the American Institute for America, described these recent flare ups as a result of something he called the "whiny bitch effect," which is defined as occurring "when a pompous, lazy, little shit doesn't get what he wants and decides to break other people's things and blame his or her problems on somebody else rather than deal with them themselves." The tenacity of the rioters has left many American historians wondering where this European sense of fighting for the way of life they believe in was during World War II. Other historians have pointed to the fact that it is better to allow the whiny little bitches to set a car or two on fire every now and then than to have a repeat of Tienanmen Square.