TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION GETS LEGAL GO-AHEAD FOR "PERVERT TACTICS' IN AIRPORT SECURITY
Washington, D.C- Anxious about a terrorist attack on the nation's airline and mass transit systems over the Thanksgiving holiday, the federal government has given the TSA the green light to carry out controversial "pervert tactics" in security screenings of passengers at airports and other transit hubs. Some of the specific activities included in the new security measures include full body scans, naked pictures taken of passengers to check for devices or chemicals on their person and also commonly referred to as "Superman's nudie pics" referring to Superman's x-ray vision and the slightly pornographic nature of the images, as well as thorough pat downs by security officials of passangers, giving special attention to the groin and breast areas. This particular procedure, also known as the "Uncle Sam rub down", has passangers upset because, they claim, security personnel are profiling individuals to be felt up according to their sexual orientation/preference. When asked for comment about this accusation, the director of te TSA had this to say: "And...?" While most of the uproar over the new security measures has come from the nation's air travelers, several other forms of transportation have been affected as well. The nation's train and Amtrack systems have implemented multiple aspects of the pervert technique, including the rub down as well as installing "security peep-holes" in many of the public restrooms at stations so TSA officials can "get a better look at what passangers are doing in there". Several train commuters have complained of disposable cameras being used to document their strip searches, wondering why the $8 cameras that can be purchased in the station's gift shops are used in government security processes. The nation's bus and Greyhound travelers', a demographic well acquainted with acts of sexual perversion as a part of their experience, are complaining of an increased number of incidents and "unreasonable" prodicals. In Newark, NJ passangers expressed reservations about the usefulness of the TSA's screening procedure involving the mutual revealing of genitalia behind security screens, also known as "Show me your patriotism, I'll show you mine". There have also been several reports from female, as well as male, passangers of arriving at their destination to find pairs of underwear missing from their luggage, high heeled shoes stolen, and obscene stick figure drawings placed in their bags as a notification of inspection by the TSA.
WORLD NEWS
IRELAND, DUE TO EMPLOYMENT PROBLEMS RELATED TO ALCOHOL ABUSE, TURNS INTO A BUM
Dublin, Ireland- After years of denying a drinking or monetary problems, Ireland has finally succumbed to what most analysts predicted were inevitable consequences of lifestyle, and turned into a giant bum. Seeking a handout from other European countries to help shore up its collapsing banking and financial sector, Ireland had this to say: "Spare some change, sir? Change? I ain't eaten in a month!" When the financial ministers of Europe felt the pangs of conscience bubbling up inside them, partly due to guilt about hundreds of years of exploitation of the Irish people and guilt over having a role in their current demise, they quickly dug around in pockets exaggeratedly, being sure to jangle their coins loud enough so Ireland would not hear the bills in their pockets rustling, and deposited whatever loose change they had into the empty Guinness glass. The Irish spokesperson had this to say: "God bless you gents, God bless ye!" Reports quickly circulated that Ireland had taken its bailout money to a local pub, where it got "wonky" on Jameson whiskey and subsequently shit its pants in the alleyway out back.
ANSWER TO SUNDAY'S WORD JUMBLE!
*I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN!
No comments:
Post a Comment