Tuesday November 30, 2010

WORLD NEWS

CITING OVERWHELMING RESPONSIBILITIES, EVIL GENIUS RESIGNS SOON AFTER TAKING OVER THE WORLD

Zurich, Switzerland- For a short period yesterday, approximately 6 hours, Professor Oran Hellmoney was the undisputed ruler of the world, overpowering and outsmarting world security agencies and intelligence services. Laughing maniacally into a microphone at a press conference, he announced his unlimited control and total domination of the world's population who, he said, were "powerless" to stop him. But later that same afternoon, Hellmoney called another press conference where he announced that he would be resigning from his position as undisputed ruler of the world. Apparently the sheer amount of responsibilities and tasks faced by a single person attempting to govern and control a population as large as Earth's were unmanageable, according to Hellmoney. At the conference, Prof. Hellmoney had this to say: "I thought that controlling the world would be a breeze. I mean, my army of robots and my ingenious supercomputers were able to outwit the best the world's governments had to offer so I figured that they could take care of most of the governing, but boy was I wrong. My day was filled with nothing but paperwork, schmoozing, humanitarian and diplomatic crises, on top of being publicly humiliated and criticized in every newspaper from here to Timbuktu! I just couldn't handle all that. Plus I wouldn't have had time to perfect all of my ingenious torture devices!" Hellmoney now plans to return to his volcanic island lair somewhere in the Pacific where he looks forward to combating agents from Western intelligence services in the future.

NATIONAL NEWS

STUDY FINDS THAT MOST MEN WOULD, IN FACT, SLEEP WITH MOST WOMEN

Los Angeles, CA- UCLA researchers published findings today from a survey of over 12,000 American men with regards to their sexual preferences and habits. While some of the data supported previously held beliefs, like the fact that men think about sex more than women, some of the university researchers' findings shed new light on the ways in which men think about procreation. In their interviews they found that 98% of men were willing to have carnal relations with an attractive stranger right then and there. They also found that 91% of men were willing to bump uglies with a moderately attractive stranger/former acquaintance right then and there, and that 89% of men were willing to "do tha dang thang" with relatively unattractive strangers/former acquaintances in that very room. The study proves that men, generally regarded by the opposite sex as pigs with no self-respect and solely concerned with sex in most of their interpersonal relationships, do in fact fit neatly into that stereotype. Dr. Kenneth Ship, the head of the research team, commented on the study's findings: "At first, we weren't really sure what we were looking for. Most of my female colleagues simply couldn't believe that most men would have so few qualms about free and unattached sexual relations, while my male colleagues and myself had a pretty good feeling about what we'd find. We just decided to keep our mouths shut and act surprised by the results in the hope that they would then come to us for comfort and support. Because, really, what guy would turn down a freebie?" Some other interesting statistics from the study report that over 75% of men's conversations with women are simply a ploy to get into their pants, 87% of men could not think of a situation in which they would not want to do it, and another 86% of men could not think of a woman who, when it really came down to it, they would reject if the offered a chance to play hot dog vendor to her bun.