WORLD NEWS
WIKILEAKS FOUNDER HAS LONG HISTORY OF "TATTLE-TALEING"
(The White House sent this official response to Wikileaks today)
London- Recently published documents and accounts show that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, the controversial figure responsible for the release of thousands of classified U.S. government documents, has a long and storied history of being a snitch. Grammar school classmates of Mr. Assange detailed numerous instances where Mr. Assange witnessed them breaking the rules or stealing an extra cookie at snacktime and then told their teacher about it. "He was a real twit, always running to teacher anytime anybody did anything out of line. But once we got out on the playground, he got his," said Robert Princetuff, a former classmate of Mr. Assange. Princetuff then outlined the methodical beatings and kickings Mr. Assange received from the other boys, often kicking him in the genitals and pushing him into the dirt while shouting "Snitch" and "tattle-tail" and "bitch". Mr. Assange's narc status continued well into his adult life, where he supposedly caused his parents divorce by telling his mother about his father's affair, and his father about his mother's affair. In college, Mr. Assange was notorious for calling the police to report parties that were over the decibal level of public noise ordinances and also got several of his best friends expelled by ratting them out for smoking pot sophomore year. Each of these occurrences were also accompanied by thorough ass-beatings. Many analysts believe it is only a matter of time before Mr. Assange is forced to give himself oral pleasure by the U.S.government for snitching on them.
GOD CONTINUES TO DEFECATE ON HAITI
Port-au-Prince, Haiti- Citing some unholy chile con carne that He had a few months ago at a social gathering, God continued today to unleash a horrible torrent of excrement on the island nation of Haiti. Following his first two visits to the veritable toilet of the cosmos, where an apocalyptic earthquake that destroyed much of the country's infrastructure and killed thousands was then followed by a rampant outbreak of cholera that has killed an additional 1,200 people, God today had to make another run back to His throne to unleash some more suffering on the Haitian people. Recent elections in the country have been accused of fraud and manipulation, and the country is now threatened by rioting as the opposition parties are boycotting the elections and calling for protests. God apparently just made it in time to avoid soiling his robes, and was quoted as saying "Jesus!" several times throughout the morning. U.N. secretary general Ban-Ki Moon told a press conference today that the security council is deliberating plans to launch a rocket filled with Pepto Bismal and Immodiam AD into the sky in hopes that it will appease the All-Mighty's dysfunctional bowel movements.
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