Friday November 19, 2010

CHICAGO MAN PULL OFF MIRACULOUS FEAT WHILE ON FIRST DATE

Chicago, IL- In a miraculous performance Thursday night, Ron Kelvins, 26, managed to rescue a potentially horrific date and turn it into a unequivocal success. While out to dinner on a first date with Kathy Jacobs, 24, Kelvins felt the aftereffects of the Q'doba three cheese burrito he had eaten for lunch begin to make him uncomfortable. He fought off the burning sensation in his lower abdomen for a remarkable thirty minutes while attempting to appear engaged in the conversation. While trying to follow Jacobs' description of the new color scheme in her apartment, Kelvins made the strategic choice to try and release some of the built up pressure as silently as possible. Shifting to one elbow and imperceptibly raising the right side of his ass off of his chair, Kelvins suddenly felt the backside of his pants grow unusually warm. Mr. Kelvins had this to say about the moment in question: "I realized that the levies had been breached, you know what I mean. I knew I had about 15 seconds before the smell reached her and I had no possible way of playing it off if that happened. So I reacted, told her that I needed to take a phone call, and duck shuffled my way to the bathroom. At that point I barricaded the door and had to do some quick damage control. It was like the gulf oil spill in there. I threw away my undies and stuffed potpourri in my pockets to mask the scent. Then I went back to the table and continued like nothing had happened."

The rest of the date went smoothly, according to sources, with Jacobs even agreeing to go out for a few drinks after dinner. Upon arriving back to her apartment, Kelvins managed to obtain a goodnight kiss and copped a breast feel, promising signs for future engagements according to both parties involved. The triumphant Kelvins then promptly returned back to his apartment to wash his ass.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

*Sarah and Mike Loiters would like to announce today the birth of their first child, crushing of all their dreams and goals for the future, and ending any hopes for a personal life for the next 18 years. The end of their youth and final responsibility that has tipped the scales towards a slow decline into oblivion weighed 7 lbs. 2 ounces.