Tuesday December 7, 2010

JARRING HEADLINE EXAGGERATES DETAILS, GRABS READERS' ATTENTION

Detroit, MI- Sarah Hendricks, a mid-level paper pusher with Paper Pushing Inc. LLC, found herself distracted from a project she was working on after checking her favorite newspaper's website. Hendricks quickly found herself enveloped in an exaggerated account of a domestic disturbance in rural Iowa. Describing her ordeal, Mrs. Hendricks had this to say: "I didn't even see it coming. I mean, I was just perusing the headlines to make sure that another war or terrorist attack hadn't happened while I was working and the next thing I know I'm scrolling through three pages of this thing. But it wasn't my fault! I mean, honestly, who wouldn't click on a headline like "Male Midget Attempts to Steal Priceless Picasso Painting, Foiled By Immigrant Orphan Baby!'?" Mrs. Hendricks found the story so compelling that she reportedly copied the link and emailed it to her mother, her brother, her nephews, her husband, and her cousin whom she has maintained a close relationship with despite the one Christmas where it got weird, with a title line that read "OMG, Must Read!". The majority of the recipients deleted the email without reading it, because they were "Too busy to read one more interesting tid-bit of news from Sarah," the exception being her cousin John, who still holds a deeply repressed taboo lust for his second cousin.


(John Hendricks, second cousin of Sarah, reportedly regrets the 2007 Christmas gathering where he drank too much spiced cider and cornered Sarah, remarking "how funny it would be if we lived like two centuries ago when cousins getting married wasn't out of the ordinary".)

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION TURN UGLY FOR SOME AMERICANS

Washington, D.C- Following a rash of reports documenting cases of verbal harassment against physically unattractive or obese couples across the country by more attractive and trim hecklers, the Senate today organized a committee to look into the matter and advise on possible legislation to curtail the new trend. Often referred to as "Hog Yodeling," "Blubber Blasting," or "Ghostbusting", the practice involves groups of young, white, males shouting obscenities at overweight or disfigured couples, often remarking on their obvious physical handicaps and unsightly features, including man-boobs, hair lips, blindingly pale skin, and horrible, horrible hunchbacks. One self-described "hog-yodeler" explained why he and his friends participated in such a barbaric act: "It's gross. Honestly, would you want to watch two sweaty, fat people get it on in public? No! It's not that we're making fun of the way they look for the fun of it, we're just making fun of the fact that they have found love, something which we firmly believe should be the exclusive right of good looking, athletic people." An initial hearing of the Senate committee on HOFUP (Harassment of Fat and Ugly People) condemned the practice outright as "monstrous, cruel, and inhumane". Supporters of HOFUP then produced photographic evidence of what they were protesting against, which caused several senators to vomit into their laps, and quickly swayed the hearing room to their side. Even some of the victims had a change of heart: "I had no idea what we were doing. I mean, Jesus, it's like watching two bean bags get mushed together with Vaseline. I understand these boys now... oh, I think I'm going to be sick," said Barry Hoff, who was recently "Blubber Busted" by several HOFUP members after kissing his wife with tongue in the Wal-Mart check out line.

(Honestly, is this worthy of human affection?)