DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS REACH TAX DEAL IN CONGRESS, AGREE TO SCREW AMERICANS TOGETHER
Washington, D.C.- On Capital Hill today, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle announced the largest bipartisan deal in decades. Speaking together in the rotunda, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell declared that a deal on new tax legislation had been reached between the two parties, one which had somehow managed to win the support of 100% of both houses of Congress. Ms. Pelosi spoke to a crowd of reporters, describing the new tax legislation as "a major accomplishment for America's lawmakers. Finally, after all the squabbling and bickering and political titty-twisting, Republicans and Democrats have found a common goal around which we can all gather. Putting the ideological differences we learned from outdated books in prestigious universities aside, we have discovered a common interest in royally screwing the American citizen at every possible opportunity." Shaking hands, hugging, and even sneaking a few ass grabs in occasionally, the oligarchy of the nation congratulated themselves on a job well done for their personal and class interests. Senator McConnell, echoing Ms. Pelosi's views, had this to say: "It's taken some time, but we've finally realized that we were really working towards the same end this whole time. Both parties have finally come to their senses and agreed to work together to become the most ineffectual, unfeeling, and pointless governing body in the land. Our differences are negligible compared to our shared passion for swindling the American populace, who we all mutually regard as filthy rabble to be sedated periodically so that we may retain our lives of power and luxury. This is truly a great day for America!" Response from the White House came as President Obama travels to another insignificant East Asian nation where his agenda and influence will be rebuffed by a corrupt leader. In a statement from Air Force One the president said that he was "quite out of touch with what is actually happening in Congress, as with most of America," but that he "is still very, very optimistic that things will pan out the way he wants them to."
(Mr. Boehner and Ms. Pelosi on their way to the press conference)
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