NATIONAL NEWS
U.S. LOSES 2022 WORLD CUP BID TO TINY MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY, ACTS LIKE IT DIDN'T CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE
("Cutter. Where the fuck is it anyway? Exactly." - Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary)
Washington, D.C.- FIFA, the world's soccer government, announced this week that the location of the 2022 World Cup tournament would be in Qatar, not the United States, news that has left many Americans disappointed, but not that disappointed. Following the general trend of the past 50 years, most Americans don't actually give a shit about soccer, especially when compared to the national pastimes of baseball, basketball, and football, and the location of the sport's biggest tournament is something that most don't lose sleep over. However, due to an inherent competitiveness in the American spirit the general public grew mildly irritated when informed of the fact that their country had lost the chance to host the event in 2022 to the tiny middle eastern country of Qatar. With promises of remarkable green technology able to cool the proposed stadiums from the blistering desert heat, and the fact that no world organization wants to be seen as favoring the United States over more fashionably oriental nations, Qatar secured the votes of the FIFA electors. With a stiff upper lip, Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, had this to say: "We lost the bid to a desert country that no one can place on a map... So? Who cares? We didn't even want to host their stupid soccer games in the first place, we were just trying to be nice. Our military could still beat the shit out of theirs!" Towards the end of the press conference Gibbs became noticeably upset and sniffed loudly several times, wiping his nose with his sleeve, while he proclaimed not to have been effected by the news, and that "soccer is for homos and African people anyway," obviously attempting to distract from his hurt feelings and pride.
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