Thursday December 9, 2010

NATIONAL NEWS

FDA WARNS OF SALMONELLA OUTBREAK IN BRUSSEL SPROUT CROP, NO ONE AFFECTED

(Seriously, what the fuck is that?)

Topeka, KS- The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they were issuing a "Code Don't Eat This" on the nation's brussel sprout crop because of a possible salmonella outbreak. While bacterial infections of the U.S. supplies of chicken and broccoli have, in the past, raised some alarm, very few people around the country seemed to be upset or to even care about the news. Martha Bigsby, a vegetarian, had this to say: "To be honest, I don't even know what brussel sprouts are. I mean, I survive on nothing but vegetables and I don't even eat the damn things. If I don't know what it is or where it comes from, it isn't going in my body!" Citing their bitter flavor and questionable texture, most Americans avoid consuming the noxious veggie, while some Americans have labeled them as "evil". Some wonder if the salmonella would "spice" things up, making the vegetable more palatable, though by all accounts the FDA does not endorse using harmful bacterium as a garnish.

MAN WEARING TRANSITIONS LENSES GETS LAID

(Transitions Lenses: for those wanting the Euro-Fag look)

Miami, FL- Defying all expectations and expert predictions, Jim Tindle, 46, did manage to get laid while wearing Transitions Lenses. Tindle, a practicing optometrist in the area, was thrilled when the Transitions technology was introduced into the market over 6 years ago: "It really is a marvel of modern science. I mean, they are clear, regular glasses when I'm inside, and then when I step outside, they instantly transform into these awesome sunglasses that protect my eyes from the harmful rays out there. I've just been thrilled with them. Plus they're so stylish." While Transitions technology has been acclaimed for its fulfillment of its stated purpose of "transitioning" from regular eye glasses to sun glasses when introduced to sunlight, an advance many nerds have have been seeking for years, a number of complaints have been raised regarding the lenses' side-effect of warding of would be mates for the wearer. Some cite the fact that after the wearer returns indoors, it sometimes takes up to 15 minutes for the lenses to transition again, leaving them looking awkward and out of place with their creepily darkened eyes in a perfectly well-lit room. Some studies have shown that as few as 5% of Transitions Lens wearers had gotten pussy since switching to the new technology. Mr. Tindle's rendezvous comes as a huge shock to much of the glasses wearing and eye care world, though, admittedly, the results are a bit skewed as the person he did have sexual relations with was a young German male.