WORLD NEWS
CHINA RAPIDLY GAINING ON U.S. IN RACE FOR WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE
Shanghai, China- Crowds here today celebrated the announcement by the World Asshole Monitoring Organization, a nonprofit that tracks developments by bigger countries acting like douchebags to the rest of the world, that China has recently matched the United States in its "shit on everyone else" policies. While the United States has a much longer history of not giving a fuck what everyone thinks, the up and coming superpower in the East has taken progressively larger steps to make its presence obnoxiously felt on a larger, global scale. Seth Greenstone, director of WAMO, described some of the factors he considered integral to China's recent gains: "There have been several key decisions and events that contributed to China's rapid development into one of the world's biggest assholes. Obviously, Tiananmen Square was what really got the world's attention, and established them as a major player. In the past year, though, things like denouncing President Obama's meeting with the Dali Lama, which is only just a part of their continued persecution of one of the world's most revered spiritual leaders, and condemning the Nobel Committee's awarding the Peace Prize to a man they've had imprisoned for over 10 years were total dick moves. Most recently, the fact that they are manipulating their currency at everyone else's expense has been a huge asshole thing to do." While the announcement gave many Chinese supporters excitement, WAMO was sure to note that the U.S. has not completely relinquished their role as leading asshole. In the past year they have made sure to stay in the game by talking shit about anyone and everyone in the diplomatic world through released diplomatic cables and making sure to sack-tap the Middle East on a daily basis. The report also showed that France and Italy are still the world's biggest pussies.
EDITORIALS
By: Eric Bowles and Alan Simpson (co-chairs of Pres. Obama's Deficit Commission)-
Hey America: we're out of fucking money! Because you spent it all on stupid crap, now we're going to have to start saving money and not eating out at Applebee's every night of the friggin week! We don't want to hear any boo-hooin over the budget cuts we've outlined, if you spend all your money on a new pair of shoes then you can't get a skirt on top of it, alright? Use some common sense. A Shoney's paycheck will not cover a flat screen!
By: President Barack Obama-
Don't worry America, I'm still doing a great job. There's nothing to worry about; sure we're going to have some ups and downs, some posturing, but at the end of the day I'm still right and I'm still doing a better job than the Republicans who gave me all of my problems.
By: Mark Twain-
Read my new autobiography, in stores now. It's funnier than a racist caricature rendered in a Southern dialect!
THE ALPHA SUNDAY WORD JUMBLE!
I VELO BUCAN MNOEW!*
*answer revealed in Monday's Male
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