Tuesday February 1, 2011

BOY WALKS IN ON PARENTS IN THE BEDROOM, SCARRED FOR LIFE

Boise, ID- Taylor Wright, 12, had the most traumatic experience of his young life last night when he walked in on his parents while they were having their first intimate experience in weeks. After having a nightmare involving characters from Winnie the Pooh, Wright ran to down the hall to his parents' bedroom where he burst open the door and found his legal guardians and providers engaged in what appeared to be a hate-filled wrestling match, but without clothing. Seeing their young son standing in the doorway staring at them, Sam Wright, 40, quickly pulled out and shouted "Get the hell out of here!", which sent the young Wright scrambling back into his bed to spend the rest of the night staring at his ceiling attempting to rid his mind of the image seared into his brain. The elder Wright, likewise, spent the rest of his night staring at the ceiling in sexually frustrated rage, knowing that it would be impossible to convince his wife to "give it another go" after being interrupted in such a fashion, and thus sacrificing his one chance for sexual intercourse for another several weeks.

WONKA EMPLOYEES ON STRIKE TO DEMAND BETTER TREATMENT

(The Oompa Loompa Union has formed a picket line and promised to fight back against Mr. Wonka if he uses force, and to "not be so sweet" if necessary".)

Wonka Factory- The strike by the employees of Willy Wonka's candy factory has now entered its third day, with the union and employer negotiations breaking down indefinitely. The union, the United Oompa Loompa Workers Union, called for the strike in response to Mr. Wonka's refusal to grant them greater benefits, which include health insurance, safer working conditions, less humiliating uniforms, and pay that is not in the form of candy. The small, grotesque, orange and green creatures have formed a strike line outside the gates of the factory, where they have reportedly beaten and humiliated outside labor that Mr. Wonka has tried to bring in to fill the work orders left by the strike, including a crew of Hobbits from the Shire and a group of circus performers, which the union has dubbed "Scabs!". Mr. Wonka has promised to use force to remove the strikers if necessary, with crews setting up chocolate sauce fire hoses and gum ball guns near the strike line. The situation, if left unresolved, promises to turn ugly... and delicious.